As mentioned in previous columns I always try to take the first outbound flight in the morning because I have more options in case something goes amiss.

Furthermore, one glitch in the morning cascades throughout the day and eventually it means very late arrivals (translated to mean: “dinner and cocktails will be missed”) or perhaps a later flight will be outright canceled  (lack of remaining crew time being a prime reason).

The upside of having to listen to that damned alarm clock go off at some ungodly hour of the morning is two-fold; I can generally fall asleep on the plane between the time it leaves the gate and arrives at the active runway, and the second is that arriving at the hotel by late-morning/early-afternoon means I can have lunch, read a paper while watching the news, and then have a nice 2-3 hour nap on the two-million-count Angolan cotton sheets the hotel prides itself on.

The first thing I do upon entering any hotel room is put out the “Do Not Disturb” sign (or some other clever card hip hotels offer, like “Go Away” or “I’m in discussions with Mr. REM”, etc.). (Actually, I made the last one up, which tells me I’ve been staying at too many of those damned boutique places.)

Few things piss me off more than being completely sound asleep and all-of-a-sudden someone knocks on my door, saying, “I need to check the mini bar”, or worse, “Housekeeping supervisor…just checking to see if everything is okay.”

Press 1 for English you stupid a-hole, and read your own F-ing sign. Isn’t that what it’s there for? What I ought to do is open the door completely naked; I guaran-damn-tee you that person would never pull that crap again!

Traumatization is a wonderful antidote for curing assholinity – a disease that seems to run rampant throughout the lodging industry.

A few weeks ago I was at some upscale hotel in Atlanta for an automotive event – sound asleep about 4 p.m., when the ringing telephone woke me up. I thought it was my friend, Ed, so I was going to use the occasion to kill him and ask for a jury of my peers because none of them would find me guilty under the circumstances.

Turns out it was the hotel manager, calling to welcome me to his hotel and ask if everything was to my liking. I tried to contain my anger, but thankfully I failed.

I said, “It was until you woke me out of a sound sleep, you stupid Bastard! Is that a chain policy or something you learned at General Manager’s school?” He then proceeded to say, “I’m terribly sorry,” to which I replied, “I don’t believe it for a minute. You’ll either laugh about this when you hang up or forget about it by 5.”

Needless to say, I couldn’t fall back to sleep.

How would these dildologists like it if a representative from their mortgage company stopped by their home about 2 in the morning, banged on the door until it opened and then asked if everything is to their satisfaction? It’s the same concept, Helen!

Your hotel is probably charging as much for 20-hours worth of use of a room as some people pay for a month’s house payment. The guest is entitled to the same degree of privacy that the owner of a home is…ESPECIALLY WHEN TERMS AND CONDITIONS ARE SPELLED OUT ON A SIGN HANGING FROM THE DOOR!!!

Maybe hotel guests should just start leaving their door ajar to make it easier for hotel service people to come in and check on whatever the hell they’re there for. Hopefully they’ll have the decency to notice that someone is sleeping and they’ll walk quietly and make as little noise as possible.

However, just to make it fair, guests who are paying extra for the Concierge Level should be issued loaded hand guns so in the event someone is trying to get into their room, and the “Do Not Disturb” sign is placed prominently on the outside door handle, said guests can shoot to kill the “probable” intruder who’s trying to “break into their room” and not only steal their belongings, but possibly cause bodily harm.

Once word of that gets around it’s a sure bet that some of those cart jockeys who prowl hotel floors will think twice about bothering someone who doesn’t want to be bothered. And the first time somebody calls that inconsiderate prick of a manager and requests a bell man to remove the dead body from his room, the manager will understand it as well.

To quote Bill Engvall, the famous comic, “Here’s your sign.”

Much of Saw XXX is based on waking Al Vinikour up early while staying at a hotel. Read his column every Monday.

Related posts:

1. Nonplussed traveler: Slamming overhead
2. Nonplussed traveler: Time to belly up to the leftovers buffet
3. In a hotel room? Watch your glass.
4. Nonplussed traveler: Save the planet on your dime
5. A round trip ticket to Kiwi love