Nonplussed traveler: Extra charges can wrinkle your sheets
As you’ve no doubt determined there’s no end to travel-related things that piss me off. 
Among the major offenders are extra hotel costs. It seems the larger the chain the bigger the shaft.
There are a lot of four-, and five-star hotels/resorts in this country, and I’ve been fortunate enough in my career to have stayed in a good many of them. I 
always enjoy reading the “suggested” prices my particular hotel room goes for. I’ve seen them as high as $750 per night – although the price negotiated for dozens of room by our sponsor is almost always considerably less than that – but it is still probably several hundreds of dollar. That said, this leads to several questions:
Why in hell does an upscale resort feel justified to add a $14.95 daily charge for internet use? Granted, a lot of them offer “free wi-fi” in the lobby, but who wants to be seen 
checking e-mails in a hotel lobby at 3 a.m sitting in their underwear?
Some hotels offer a “Three-day discount” for room-based internet service. Oh, how kind!
How in HELL can that same upscale hotel have the nerve to charge for phone access for an outside line, particularly a toll-free line?
Any hotel that hasn’t had the price of the property’s entire telecommunications system amortized by now is probably 5-10 minutes old; come back in a couple of weeks and they’ll be caught up. Some hotel systems have the (what’s another word for “balls?”) to offer you “free” access to outside lines so you can use phone calling cards…but after 10-15 minutes they’ll begin assessing a charge. Where did these thieves get their business training…Sicily? And who has a calling card anymore? This is not 1993.
Many downtown hotels offer parking for their guests…at upwards of $40 per night! Not everyone is far enough away to fly to a location for a business function so they use their only option – they drive. 
Let’s say you’ve just driven 200+ miles and used over $50 worth of gasoline. Now you’re staring down the barrel of more than $130 for parking for your three-day stay? Like the telecommunications equipment, property for the hotel’s parking garage has been paid for a long time ago, so except for property taxes and upkeep, revenue from bilking guests is almost pure profit.
Let’s say the rate quoted for your room is $200 per night. At a major city this wouldn’t be considered too far out of line for the average business traveler. However, did anyone tell them about the taxes piled on top of that – particularly in New York City?
Add at least a third more for city, state, local, street, stop light, carpeting and whatever other kind of tax that’s generally run through hotels like money through a Cayman Islands bank.
Has your behind stopped bleeding from realizing what the bottom line your room is 
costing you per day, Herman?
Think of this: how do you define “per day?” If you’re like 99.995% of the world you’d consider “per day” 24-hours. NO, NO, NO you naïve bastard! Unless pre-arranged, you generally can’t check into your hotel room until about 3: p.m. And since checkout time is usually between 10-12 a.m. you’re only getting – at most – less than 20-21 hours worth of use time.
Do the math, Sully. It’s like adding almost 20% more to an already criminal amount. Want to protest this? Stand in line…but make sure you don’t exceed your checkout time – hourly costs can be a killer.
Speaking of “extended check out time,” some hotels will allow a few extra “free” hours of room time to their most frequent guests – in other words, individuals who have been financially sodomized so often by the hotel chain they now have calloused rectums.
“Oh, what a wonderful thing they do for us,” sings those who’s brains have apparently been screwed out.
There are dozens more examples of the Highwayman mentality of hotel chains but these few will suffice. All this begs the question:
How can a relatively-affordable chain like Hampton Inns, Holiday Inn Express and Red Roof Inns offer a good rate, free wi-fi or broadband service, a clean, comfortable room, a big-screen television with every cable station you could want, coffee pots in most rooms and in some cases, a full breakfast, and stay in business?
At a big-city hotel you may spend $3.00 just for a cup of coffee at the hotel’s restaurant. Let’s not even count that at the aforementioned “budget” chains you’ll get free parking. In some cases your entire stay at The Roof won’t cost as much as just the parking fees at a Four Seasons.
Oh, and did I mention that most have indoor, heated pools and free exercise room? (They had me at free breakfasts; I have no use for exercise rooms other than a place to put my coat and bag down while I peruse contents of the vending machines.)
I recently read an article of how business at Subway took off like a rocket when they 
started offering 12” subs for $5 as a way to help cash-strapped people during this economic crisis. Not only has business tripled and in some cases more than quadrupled, profits have soared with little added overhead.
Upscale hotels have shed crocodile tears for years about how their business is so depressed and how they offer “amenities” to try and entice more customers. Why don’t they start putting some of their high-paid MBAs on the road to analyze how affordable chains and other businesses have managed to stay afloat and prosper?
Let them stay at a Hampton Inn for a few days and assess that operation. They can eat at the Subway across the street one day, maybe a Culver’s on another day and find a nice Cracker Barrel to eat at the next. At the end of each day they can go back to their room, put on South Park or HGTV and then write a complete report and e-mail it to headquarters, all of that FREE OF CHARGE!
Who knows…things might change for the better at the Tight-assed Arms Hotel Chain. Life near the Interstate isn’t Raffles, but they’ll give you a free breakfast, a free paper and you can retrieve your own vehicle without having to drop another $5 to the valet to retrieve it from a $50 per night resting place.
Hell, you can take the $5 you just saved and buy a 12” Subway tuna sandwich. Ray Stevens may have been right when he sang those immortal words, “Everything is beautiful.”
Al would never pay $14.99 for wifi, as no email is that important, but you can try to send him a note at: vinikour@comcast.com. His column appears here every Monday.
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