The near-catastrophe the mainstream media has been calling “The Christmas Miracle of Delta Flight #253” appears to be just that. But for the bumbling of a hell-bent terrorist, thousands of potential deaths could have resulted.

There were 278 on the Delta A330-300 as it was but depending on the approach pattern 20 minutes out, which was the point the flight was when the terrorist tried to trigger his bomb, the remnants of a blown-up airliner crashing on a heavily-populated region in the Detroit area could have killed countless individuals on the ground.

I’m not even going to attempt to put the terrorist’s name in the piece because a.) I don’t remember what it is; b.) I never write anything I can’t pronounce: and c.) I’m not going to include that asshole’s name on something that has my by-line.

Maybe the President doesn’t want to call these people who attempt to commit heinous acts “terrorists,” but my life doesn’t depend on wanting people to like me…so I’ll call these bastards what they are…TERRORISTS!!!

So have we learned from previous attempted acts of terrorism? Oh, my yes. The Department of Homeland Security, the Transportation Security Adminstration and the Secretary of State will once more make it clear why they are collectively a proctologist’s dream.

Being a “Road Warrior” I read carefully the new security measures the Feds put into effect during one of the three most heavily-traveled days of the year, I might add.

Let’s start at the beginning: Nobody will be able to leave their seats and go to a lavatory during the last hour of a flight. What kind of sadistic bastard would even think of such torture?

The world is not populated by people blessed with “bomber bladders” (a situation where it’s such a nuisance to unhook yourself completely from an ejection seat, climb down to the lower level (in the case of a B-52) and use the “piss can” the Air Force was kind enough to install alongside the bomb bay door that you just hold it for however many hours are left in your mission).

Take an average flight coming in from Europe. Almost 300 people have been cooped up inside a 19-foot-wide tube for the past 8-to-10 hours. With basically nothing to do the passengers drink a lot of liquids, which doctors will tell you is important to stay hydrated while in a pressurized environment. At least half of the passengers will probably be 50 or older. The older you get the less ironclad your bladder is going to be – let alone your bowels for that matter.

Unless these people are hooked up to a catheter there’s going to be a lot of groaning and movement in the various cabins. Also…when was the last time a flight crew told you we’ll be landing in an hour — and it happened in an hour? It’s like the longest hour on television is the last two minutes of a football game.

Thus, instead of having to “hold it” for an hour…it may be closer to three hours before somebody will see the Porcelain Garden. You don’t have to have an MBA from the Wharton School of Business to think of the potential of opening up a clothing store near the exit door of security.

Another snap decision from Homeland Security was to ban use of all pillows and blankets during the last hour of flight. If you’ve had a typical airline blanket on your lap for any length of time, having to turn it back an hour before landing is the least of your problems. What should concern one is the egg-laying potential of the permanent residents of the blanket.

Regarding airline pillows, my own feeling is there’s not enough Head & Shoulders produced in a year to fully prevent unwanted visitors on one’s head from those pillows. Let’s face it; if you haven’t hidden something during the first seven hours of a flight you aren’t going to stop scratching for the last hour to harbor an explosive.

The most absurd idea was to not allow a book – or any other object to be on your lap or even read during the last hour of an international flight. What kind of illiterate bureaucrat would even venture up his ass that deeply to find such a plan?!!

Is it that given enough pages you might have a weapon that can give a severe paper cut to the crew…or be used to unlock the cockpit door? Even inmates on death row are allowed to read books 24/7 if they want.

Maybe Maurice “Mo” Henry, a direct descendant of Patrick Henry, can follow in his ancestor’s footsteps and coin a new phrase…”Give me Stephen King or give me death.”

The day I have to give up the meager pleasure of reading books on airplanes no matter how much time is left in the flight to ensure my security is the day I say, “I’m on page 433 and counting.” Screw security if it comes between me and a great plot!

So let’s recap what the Feds would like to demand of you: you’re seven hours into an eight-hour trans-Atlantic flight and have 60 minutes until your scheduled landing at Detroit’s Metropolitan Airport. For (at least) the next hour you will put down your book, remove anything from your lap (including a six-month-old baby, I presume), you probably have cooties from spending the last several hours with an airline blanket on your lap, you can’t eat or drink anything (forget your insulin, it’s a liquid that was probably confiscated at the security checkpoint) and you are not allowed to use the lavatory no matter how constricted your bowels or how much pressure is on your bladder (kidney problems and incontinence are not an excuse; if you have that much of a problem you should have driven from Paris to Detroit).

Miraculously, on Day 2 of the government’s War on Intestines, some of the restrictions listed above have been eased and at the Captain’s discretion, waived all together. That’s great…unless the Captain’s ex-wife and/or former girlfriend are on the flight. In that case it’s everyone’s urethra for itself.

What’s going to happen next…we’ll all have to slap a label on our asses and be put aboard jet freighters? Any cargo carrier worth its salt routinely flies livestock and other animals throughout the world. As long as the airlines are treating its customers like cattle anyway it wouldn’t be much of a leap to find yourself in the midst of a pallet in Position #6.

There’s only one solution for this current, and future governmental snap decisions; instead of forming a tea party revolution we should form a “Go Lightly Laxative Party.” Go Lightly is the best way to clean out assholes.

Al is not concerned about airport security impacting passengers in general, just him. Your ability to cope with ridiculous rules is your business. His column appears here every Monday.