It’s a good thing I have an ample ass because there are lots of things that gripe it. One of the bigger pains is sitting on an airplane that just landed and has taxied to our gate and the Captain comes on the PA and says we’re waiting for the ground crew to come out to marshal us in.
I’ve often wondered why we have to wait at all. It’s not as if we weren’t expected! I’m sure I’m not the only one who at times has waited for more than ten minutes for them to saunter out and bring us 
to the gate. Just what in hell have they been doing before shuffling across the tarmac? Surely somebody in that crew has either read a schedule or been told that an aircraft will be arriving momentarily.
Airlines have been putting a fee on everything from checked luggage to blankets and pillows in order to “stem some of the horrendous costs of rising jet fuel prices.” Well a good way to start would be to minimize the amount of time an aircraft is sitting on the tarmac waiting for the “Three Amigos” to arrive. Meanwhile, I don’t want to listen to one second’s worth of bellyaching about fuel costs if time management can’t be operated better than it is. If you don’t do that then what gives you the unmitigated gall to charge some poor bastard $3 for a can of Pringles?
Speaking of ground crews, since when does it take three people to guide an aircraft to the gate? Next time you fly take a look at either side of the plane as you’re taxiing to the gate. Unless the pilot is a thousand-eyed fly with an almost 360-degree field of visibility, you tell me how he could see a pair of guys standing at his 4 and 8 o’clock position? There is only one person needed – right in front of the aircraft – for everybody in the cockpit to see.
If the plane is already on the centerline leading to the stop block it’s not going to veer left or right. If these guys have so much time on their hands that they can do the hully gully walking out to the gate area then at a minimum they should 
ensure that all the equipment has been moved before the damned aircraft arrives. You wouldn’t park your car on I-94 and run across to the Cracker Barrel for lunch. Why would someone park a luggage cart in front of the gate area awaiting the arrival of a 757?
The final indignity comes when you’re aircraft is finally at the gate, the wheel chocks have been put in place and the engines have been shut down and there’s nobody there to operate the Jetway and open the door! Just what is this person doing? Playing Yahtzee with the ground crew?
Meanwhile, people are standing in the aisles with their carry-on bags retrieved, waiting for the door to 
open so they can get on their way. I’ve been on flights where the Captain has had to call operations more than once to ask the status of the gate agent who was supposed to be there almost 15 minutes ago. When the person finally does show up, he or she will inevitably be a rookie, or someone who has just done her nails and has a difficult time operating the controls.
Maybe five minutes or so later the Jetway is attached to the fuselage and it’s safe to open the door. IF…this person isn’t the size of Mini Me and takes another five minutes to try to open the door itself.
OR…after waiting all this time the Jetway is broken and can’t be operated.
This will come as no surprise to the agent because it’s been causing trouble for weeks! The reason it hasn’t been reported is because it’s the responsibility of Gus Vanakis, head of the Jetway Maintenance Union Local #666, and Gus has been at a seminar in Las Vegas for the past three weeks and can’t be 
disturbed. So because Gus isn’t there to order his men to do their job the passengers aboard BF Airways have to either wait for a tug to take them to another gate or the airline will roll up some portable stairs and the passengers can deplane in the -80 degree wind chill weather.
Oh – I forgot there are four wheel chair users aboard? Looks like you’re going to miss the Love Boat reruns this afternoon, Folks, because by the time you finally are rolled off the aircraft it’s going to be time to watch the Nightly News.
I can use up paragraphs blaming the workers as much as I want but they’re workers, and as such, report to somebody in management. I don’t care if the supervisor of Jetway Operations is a Rhodes Scholar and used to be the Dean of the Harvard School of Law before cutbacks came; there’s only one test that should be administered for anyone being considered for a decision-making position…Sim City!
If applying for a senior management position then the applicant should also be proficient in operating FarmVille.
Finally, here’s a bit of career advice; I find it difficult to believe that everybody at the airline doesn’t give a damn who sees them not working. For those who still don’t want to work, but maintain the subconscious desire to not have the public witness it first-hand, there’s a perfect job waiting for you in the government; it’s called “Congressional Staffer.”
Al has never missed a Love Boat rerun if he can help it, but usually he’s flying around the globe, gathering more material for his column that runs here, every Monday.
All photos by Vikki Stenstream, HipsterTravelGuide.com.
If you have purchased a luggage cart with big six-inch wheels you can easily roll your load up and down a staircase, but don’t try this on bags with tiny built-in wheels. You might scratch the cover on a wheeled bag which will scrape the edge of the curb or stairs, so it would probably be best to do the traditional “lift it up and carry it” on a bag with tiny wheels.