You’ve seen the casual event or two on TV. Who hasn’t over the past week?
Bode this or Lindsay that (they’re skiiers) and then there’s the ice dancing, ice hockey, ice curling, guys that look like gals and gals who look like guys — hey, it’s the Winter Olympics in Vancouver.
Naturally, you weren’t able to actually go to the Pacific Northwest and bask in Olympic glory because of the expensive plane tickets, lack of accommodations under $500 a night and the fact you should have made reservations six years ago.
But that doesn’t mean you can’t tell people you went to “The Games” — walking into work next Monday with some understated Olympic paraphernalia talk about how great the pubs were along Granville Street.
Here are a few things you can try saying:
“OMG, I was drinking beer with a few Ukrainians and some Germans and all of sudden, Bode Miller came into the bar with his wife and daughter, that baby is so cute.”
“Opening ceremonies were awesome. I couldn’t get a ticket to the venue but watched it in the Gaslight District — it’s such a cool place with all of the bars and eateries — I couldn’t believe that the one leg to the torch wouldn’t open up. But later, I saw Wayne Gretsky light up the outdoor torch.”
“I took the most awesome pictures of Whistler Mountain when I was up there to see Shaun “the Animal” White win the snowboarding gold. He was like 100 feet above the tube.”
“Man, I wish I could get some Poutine, I could go for some cheese curds and gravy right now.”
If anyone asks about the weather just say you thought it would be colder — as Vancouver is undergoing its warmest winter in 114 years.
Depending upon who wins what — as you don’t want to be associated with a loser — here’s what we’d recommend to pull off your grand lie:
Canadian mittens: As seen on TV. $10 and make sure to tell people you bought the Hudson Bay original mittens only sold in Vancouver during “the games.” That’s not really true, but it makes them sound more authentic.
Hockey Jersey: $400: Tell everyone you were at the Canada/USA game and couldn’t believe the Americans pulled off the big upset.What a game, U-S-A, U-S-A!
Olympic Program in French: $17.95: This is something that you’ll want to leave laying around your house after you rough up a few pages, maybe add a few faux autographs from random Olympians — make sure to use a Sharpie — and then just say, “Oh that? Yeah, I wanted something to remember my time at the Olympics but all of the English ones were sold out. I didn’t even know it was French until I sobered up the next morning. That night, I think I understood French.”
So enjoy the lie and if you tell it long enough — not only will people believe you were at the games, you might start to believe it too.
