Most companies identify their mission through clever advertising slogans. 
For instance, Cadillac referred to itself as the “standard of excellence throughout the world.” Wonder Bread tells you it will “build strong bodies eight ways.” And let’s not forget “Pork…the other white meat.”
The airline industry isn’t any different. During the halcyon days when travel by air was something special, some really memorable tag lines were created. (All of you younger than 35, go in the other room and play because most of these will mean nothing to you.) Who can forget?:
“PAN AM…THE WORLD’S MOST EXPERIENCED AIRLINE”
“WE’RE AMERICAN AIRLINES…DOING WHAT WE DO BEST”
“DELTA IS READY WHEN YOU ARE”
“CONTINENTAL AIR LINES…THE PROUD BIRD WITH THE GOLDEN TAIL”
“FLY THE BEST WHEN YOU FLY NORTHWEST”
“EASTERN AIR LINES…THE WINGS OF MAN”
“BRANIFF…FLYING COLORS”
“SOUTHWEST AIRLINES…YOU ARE NOW FREE TO MOVE ABOUT THE COUNTRY”
“TWA…UP, UP AND AWAY”
“I’M BETTY…FLY ME” (National Airlines)
“WESTERN AIRLINES …THE ONLY WAY TO FLY”
Needless to say, inviting expressions went the way of civility.
Since there’s so little truth in advertising I’ve decided to challenge the entire creative department of Al’s Advertising Agency to work on some airline-related banners that are not only honest but things the traveling public has come to expect.
After several intense hours spent at a restaurant, suspension testing of a Sterns & Foster mattress and a Law & Order rerun it dawned on me that not only does my agency not have a creative department…I don’t even have an agency! So following are some honest catch phrases — if honesty was a criterion — but none you will ever see in a magazine. At the very least they are interpretations of thought bubbles over the heads of airline personnel:
“WE FLY JUMBO JETS…NOT JUMBO ASSES”
“WE SERVE MEALS LIKE MOMMA USED TO MAKE…JUST BEFORE SHE ABANDONED YOU”
“OUR TRIPS ARE MEMORABLE…WE NEVER SAID THEY WERE GOOD”
“YOUR BAGS WILL SEE MORE OF THE WORLD THAN YOU WILL”
“OUR SAFETY STATISTICS ARE TO DIE FOR”
“YOU’RE NEVER MORE THAN 5 SEATS FROM AN AISLE”
“WE’RE NOT HAPPY UNTIL YOU’RE NOT HAPPY”
“OUR MAINTENANCE SCHEDULES ARE LIKE THE OLYMPICS…ONCE EVERY FOUR YEARS”
“RODNEY DANGERFIELD NEVER GOT ANY RESPECT…AND NEITHER WILL YOU”
“IF YOU WANT CLEAN RESTROOMS CHECK INTO A HOTEL”
“WE SERVE MORE INTERNATIONAL DESTINATIONS THAN AMTRAK”
“YOU’VE NEVER EXPERIENCED A TRIPLE LUTZ UNTIL YOU’VE FLOWN WITH US”
“YOU’LL THANK US FOR NOT PROVIDING BLANKETS AND PILLOWS”
“WITH NO ADVANCED SEAT SELECTION OUR BOARDING PROCESS IS LIKE THE OKLAHOMA LAND GRAB”
“IF ON-TIME ARRIVALS ARE IMPORTANT TO YOU WE CAN RECOMMEND ALTERNATIVE TRAVEL METHODS”
“OUR PILOTS WERE PERSONALLY TRAINED BY CHARLES LINDBERGH”
“WE CARE ABOUT YOUR COMFORT. SURE WE DO”
“WELCOME ABOARD. NOW SIT YOUR ASS DOWN”
“RING THE ATTENDANT CALL BUTTON AT YOUR OWN PERIL”
“BECAUSE OF EXPECTED TURBULENCE TOMORROW WE WILL BE UNABLE TO OFFER BEVERAGE SERVICE TODAY”
“GET YOUR OWN DAMNED COFFEE”
“A SEAT BELT EXTENSION? WHY NOT JUST TRY LOSING WEIGHT, CHUB CHEEKS?”
“WE HATE TO FLY AND IT SHOWS”
“JUST THINK OF US AS ONE BIG DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY”
“WE’RE READY WHEN YOU ARE…PROVIDING YOU’RE IN NO BIG HURRY”
“LT. DAN WOULD BITCH ABOUT OUR LEG ROOM”
“THERE IS NO COFFEE TODAY…JUAN VALDEZ WAS MURDERED BY COLOMBIAN DRUG LORDS”
“JUST BECAUSE OUR #2 ENGINE SMOKES DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN”
“UNLESS YOU CAN HOLD YOUR NOSE FOR 75 SECONDS I WOULDN’T USE THE LAVATORIES”
“THIS IS MY LAST FLIGHT BEFORE RETIREMENT…IT COULD ALSO BE YOURS:”
“THE PASSENGER WHO CORRECTLY GUESSES HOW LATE WE’LL BE WILL RECEIVE A BOTTLE OF WATER”
“IF YOU’RE NOT HAPPY WITH OUR SERVICE…JUST GET THE HELL OUT. NOW!!!”
“I’M FLYING IN AN ALUMINUM TUBE WITH OVER 150 OF LIFE’S LOSERS…AND I HAVE TO ACT HAPPY”
And finally…
“I HATE MY JOB…AND I HATE YOU!”
Al never falls for ads, though here are a few TV commercials he’s collected through the years. His column appears here every Monday.
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