Obama visits Savannah, waves
Hipster Travel Guide was given unprecedented access to President Obama’s secret “White House to Main Street” itinerary for his upcoming Tuesday visit to the historic Southern city of Savannah, allowing us a rare, “behind the scenes” glimpse at the day in the life of the president.
8:35 a.m.-Land at Savannah/HHI airport; hop in armored car. Ask to drive (denied). Head for first stop on tour.
9 a.m.- Visit Savannah Technical College; give prepared speech, advising students to switch majors frequently to stay in school as long as possible (due to lack of jobs, but don’t hone on this). Look upbeat. Repeat the words “progress” and “growth” several times. Sign autographs. Do kegger headstand with students. NO PHOTOS.
9:45 a.m.- Stop somewhere downtown for free coffee, preferably not Starbucks. Ask about vitality of business; get free refills and muffins for the road. Hide extras in pocket. Smile.
10:01 a.m.- Address government workers at City Hall (expecting most of them to look like Colonel Sanders) with politically-neutral speech, highlighting key words such as “hope”, “change” and “the”. (Avoid hot-topic issues like health care and recent whale accident.) Brief Q & A,
immediately followed by impromptu laser-light “Poetry Slam” contest. Award winner with free Prius; hope brakes work. Moon-walk off stage while waving to crowd as they chant repeated chorus of “Yes we can! Yes we can!” Use restroom.
10:54 a.m.- Bump into Joe Wilson upon exiting City Hall. Kick him square in the nuts. Laugh. (Hope photographer catches shot for CNN, TMZ, and Fox News).
11:00 a.m.- Take scenic carriage ride through Savannah’s historic squares. Ignore pungent smells of jasmine-scented urine. Stop at birthplace of Juliette Gordon Low for free boxes of Girl Scout cookies (avoid Lemon Crème). Chat with tour guide. Wave to crowds.
12:15 p.m. -Visit Paula Deen at her restaurant, The Lady and Sons. Enjoy all-you-can-eat lunch buffet. Unbutton pants. Dinner special, “Barack of lamb” with mint sauce, posthumously to be named in my honor. Get autographed cookbook for Michelle.
2:25 p.m.- Meet with local NRA members at Waffle House; receive official sawed-off Red Ryder B.B. gun with action holster, adorned with glow-in-the-dark presidential seal. Thank them. Leave quickly.
2:45 p.m. –Get souvenirs for girls—matching “I heart Savannah” Snuggies—and organic Slap-Chop for wife’s vegetable garden. Ship bulk box of pralines to White House.
3:15 p.m. -Make surprise visit to Gulfstream headquarters. Meet CEO; ask about business, listen intently. Ask for private tour of the new G650. Request (nicely) for quick delivery of personalized, pimped-out G650. Invite CEO and family to future White House dinner(s).
4:06 p.m.- Text smiley face to Rahm Emanuel. Lol.
4:07 p.m.- Sext salacious message to wife.
4:08 p.m. -Text smiley face to wife.
4:09 p.m.- Call wife to gauge reaction. Apologize if necessary.
5:45 p.m.-Dinner at Five Guys (bonus!) on Bay Street; order two burgers, loaded, also hot dog and fries, large drink (free refills). Take obligatory picture with store manager. Shake hands, smile.
7:15 p.m. -Board Air Force One for flight home. Enjoy cocktails while playing usual game of Risk against AFO staffers. Win (again); obtain complete global domination. Collect money. Yawn.
7:32 p.m. -Make quick fly-by over Tiger Woods’ rehab; air-drop care package stocked with Gatorade, incense sticks and copy of “Monogamy for Dummies” (includes crayons, safety scissors and edible body paint). Watch back episodes of “Celebrity Rehab” and “Jersey Shore”. Take quick nap.
8:20 p.m. -Land in D.C.
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