Close quarters demand drastic measures.

That guy chews his gum so hard, it sounds like a cow stomping in mud. Someone let loose with another SBD, what is wrong with him? That girl’s hair keeps touching my arm, I hope she doesn’t have lice. The flight attendant is so fat, her butt rubs my shoulder each time she goes up the aisle. Why does that guy keep looking at me?

The problem is, you’re stuck in an aluminum tube with them for one to fourteen hours, so you’ve got to figure out a way to deal with it and not come off as too much of a douche.

So reach into your anti social quiver and pull out some of the most effective devices to save a little face, which may get rubbed by that flight attendant’s backside. There’s the Ipods to drown out the odd noises and unwanted advances — and if you don’t have one, just get the white ear buds put them in your ears and let them say “don’t talk to me” so you don’t have to.  There’s always the pharmaceutical answer such as Ambein or Tylenol PM to deaden the pain of tight fitting spaces — plus, it’s the only time you can take a roofie in the company of strangers. And there are the tried and true book, so engrossing that you can’t even look up. Try that with the Sky Mall magazine.

But, why take a sleepless nap or act like the pulp fiction is really that interesting when you can have some fun?

When someone lets one rip silently and all people within the 9-foot kill zone are left to suffer, start the conversation loud enough for the offender to hear  “Have you ever noticed that when the cabin is pressurized, our bodies become fart factories? I’ve taken to not eating 12 hours before a flight so I don’t offend my fellow passengers. Really, what do you think that person ate? Kielbasa and sour kraut?”

The group in the poisons cloud that hears your statement will start to laugh and inhale more of the foul air thus depleting the level of stink. You’ve entertained and done your part to clear the air. It’s win/win.

The overweight or bitchy flight attendant is not an easy thing to overcome. They’re unionized  and protected under the patriot act. One snide comment and you could have federal air marshals waiting for you at the gate. You can’t complain to them or you’ll be labeled a “troubled traveler” and be talking with FBI agents upon arrival. And I’m sure, that’ll go in your travel records kept by some secret governmental branch.

Why not make the flight attendant feel as comfortable as you do? You can loudly recall tales of old, where flight attendants were pretty, single, kept on a strict diet and retired at 29 when they were promoted to first class homewrecker. Or you can just ignore them when they barrel thru barking out orders and make them have to repeat it to you all over again (and again – just play deaf). Really, all you’re doing is making their day a little more challenging, and who doesn’t need challenge in their life?

When you’re cooped up with people, especially those you don’t know, for any period of time it’s annoying. They’re breathing – ugh! You’re out and about so instead of dwelling on peoples bad behaviors (like I did when that girl’s hair was touching my arm) have fun with it. Oh, jeez, who farted again?