As I’ve said over and over again to those who won’t listen, I travel a lot – probably more than your average bear, Boo Boo. Most of my trips are in conjunction with ride/drives in one of my capacities as an automotive journalist.

Most of our trips involve coming in one day…having a dinner that evening…getting up for an early breakfast, spend an hour or more in technical briefings and walk-arounds (not to be confused with reach-arounds – fodder for another column), drive for a few hours (or a few hundred miles…whichever comes first)…have lunch…drive for a few more hours…head back to the hotel in time to either relax and/or get ready for a reception and then a dinner. The next day we all head home.

Some manufacturers cut the process down a full day by having us arrive in time for lunch…then drive for the rest of the afternoon, arrive back at the hotel for a reception and dinner and either fly back early next morning or drive some more and then leave after lunch. (This past Tuesday we flew to Los Angeles, arriving at 11:30 a.m. and departed on Wednesday at 1:30 p.m.)

I’m not describing all of this to impress Jody Foster. There is a point here. I’m a big fan of observing people and an even bigger fan of observing food (and eating it, as well). With very few exceptions we always have a breakfast buffet no matter where we’re at. There’s more than enough food left over to cater next year’s Super Bowl. Which got me to thinking; What happens to today’s left-over bacon and sausages?

Do I get another chance to end their lives the next morning…or does some other group get their chances? Just like reading tea leaves I think it’s possible to look at a steamer full of bacon and sausage and read their history and their future. For instance, I KNOW I’ve seen certain sausages the previous day, and yet again…there they are making an encore.

I’ve often wanted to tag one like you would a wild goose but there’s really no way to ensure their safety to see if they’re making a return trip. If you go poring through the container you’ll see various layers of sausage freshness. Some of them have more wrinkles than my great-grandmother while others are as smooth and unlined as a baby’s ass (maybe that’s not a good euphemism when talking about food).  Same with bacon…some strips are so well done they were probably burned when Mt. Vesuvius erupted and took out the diner in Pompeii they were originally cooked at. Others are limper than…never mind. You get the point. I was watching somebody eat a sausage he just plucked out of the container and for some reason it reminded me of my former next-door-neighbor’s Maltese, Punky, who used to eat his own turds.

I don’t know if it’s hygienically acceptable or even legal to carry over breakfast buffet foods. I haven’t even gotten into other entrants like scrambled eggs or vats filled with cream cheese. I don’t think fruit is a problem…unless it starts to change colors on the plate and the cantaloupe and honeydew spears are limper than…never mind, I tell you! I just can’t imagine a hotel taking hundreds of breakfast meats, a half-ton or so of potatoes and dozens upon dozens of steamable pancakes and waffles and tossing it all into the garbage.

Let me ruin your day by bring another equation to the mix. It’s one thing to eat yesterday’s leftovers that were formerly picked over by your colleagues. Truth be told, groups like us auto writers spend so much time together that we’re sort of like a dysfunctional family. But what if the group that left yesterday was the National Drooling Society…or perhaps the National Organization of America’s Refusing to Wash Their Hands After Using the Toilet? How would you like to fill your plate with leftovers from those two groups? After giving it zero thought my answer is NO!!!!  Better yet…HELL NO!!!!!!!

Any more I trust hotel operations as much as I did my ex-wife’s attorney. I’ve written before about what hotels are attempting to do with urging guests to forego daily sheet changes and reuse of towels. How do we know we’re not sleeping on the same sheets and using the same pillow cases that some member of Hemophiliacs With Aids used for a week until he left yesterday. But…I digress.

If I’ve totally freaked you out by the musings in this piece…good! You should be careful. I wound up getting three parasites that are only germane to Thailand…and I’ve never been there. I got them at a Thai restaurant. Even in a drunken stupor I don’t want to know how those parasites got in my lunch…so you can imagine what a variety show a parasitic breakfast buffet can be under the wrong circumstances.  Please don’t think of this as a sadistic mind game from a really sick bastard. Rather, look upon it as a public service announcement from hipstertravelguide.com – a caring website who wants to do all in its power to keep its loyal readers healthy.

Al may not know the exact history of every piece of bacon or sausage he’s eaten, but he has enjoyed them all. Read his travel column here every Monday.

Tags: breakfast, buffet, germs, Nonplussed traveler, reuse