In a stunning turn of events, golf icon and profligate lover Tiger Woods held an impromptu press conference after his highly anticipated press conference at Augusta National, admitting to a packed house of media members and golfing associates that he is, in fact, gay.
“First, let me say, it’s been a long road, and I’m glad to be back. I’m here in Augusta to win, and to admit that I like men.” After a brief pause, Woods continued. “I know I acted terribly in the past, sleeping with all those women,” said Woods. “I just made some incredibly bad decisions, decisions that hurt so many people close to me. And I now plan on hurting them all over again.”
The Woods spectacle began on Thanksgiving of last year when he drove his Cadillac SUV Escalade into a fire hydrant, then a tree, near his home in central Florida. He suffered minor injuries to his face and incurred a fine of $166 dollars for careless driving by local authorities. Following the crash, a flood of bedazzled, pole-friendly females admitted to having had prolonged sexual exploits with the golf legend. Shortly thereafter, Woods checked himself into rehab for an undisclosed sexual addiction.
“I learned in rehab the importance of looking within, something I had never really done before,” he admits. While in rehab, Woods resumed practicing the art of transcendental Buddhist meditation, a spiritual practice he learned from his mother while growing up. He claims his true sexual preference emerged after months of intensive introspection, often while hopped up on elephant doses of Ambien and Vicodin.
“I realized that I’ve hit a lot of holes, but it turns out they were the wrong ones,” he says. “But I’m more balanced now. I now know what really matters in life, like the fact that sex is way more important than golf, and equally as important as family.”
Woods’ demeanor was calm, collected and upbeat throughout the entire press conference, even while fielding difficult questions from the media such as, “Is it true that you like The Village People?” and “Is Ryan Seacrest your real true love?”
In closing, Woods promised his attentive audience that this would be his last and final press conference; that is, until the inevitable “Baby Daddy” saga emerges.
No word yet if his wife of five-and- a-half years, Elin, plans to remain married to Tiger.
WHAT? Is this a joke???
Actually, it is.
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