Other things Evil $pirit Airlines should consider charging passengers for
Evil Spirit Airlines says passengers should pay less if they bring less, implementing its $45 overhead bin tax on passengers last week.
While we consider this new fee stupid, calling for a complete boycott of the airline that loves money more than people, we understand when a business is a little strapped for cashed.
But we don’t want to be angry all the time, only complaining and not offering solutions. So we are proposing a completely new business model for Evil $pirit: Completely Free flights with an ala carte pricing menu. After all, Evil Spirit has shown that everything has a price.
New pricing scheme at Spirit
Carry on bag: up to $45
Checked baggage: up to $30
Soda: $2
Peanuts: $3
Safety briefing: $9
Sandwich: $5
A fresh sandwich: $10
A fresh sandwich that tastes OK: $15
Mayo or mustard for the sandwich: $10
Lavatory: $5
Lavatory after eating $5 sandwich: $20
Smile from flight attendant: $2
Board first: Starting at $20, price drops the farther back in line you are.
Leave first: Starting at $50 and price drops the farther back in line you are.
Window shade: $5 to open, $10 to close (each time)
Fresh air vent: $5 to turn on or off (each time)
Fresh air vent while sitting next to a passenger who ate cabbage the night before: $143
Skinny person seat: $50 to sit next to a person between 100 and 150 pounds.
Fat person seat: $20 credit to sit next to someone over 300 pounds.
Child seat: $100 to sit as far away from a child as possible. $200 to have a child with an ear infection bumped from the flight.
Emergency oxygen mask: $15
Tray table: $3 to put down
Shoes off/on: $5 (per shoe) to take them off
Ass in face fee: $10 to have the person next to you get up and walk to the lavatory, brushing their bottom against your chin on the way.
Bruise: $8 to have a flight attendant hit you with the beverage cart
Leg space: $2 for every inch of your inseam.
Poundage: Market rate of hamburger, starting at $2.99 a pound.
Bruise and berating: $18 to have flight attendant hit you with the cart and then scowl at you for sitting in your seat and being in the way of the cart’s progress.
Your welcome: $8 to have a flight attendant say “you’re welcome” and sound like he or she means it.
Have a nice day: $12 to have a flight attendant say “have a nice day” after the plane lands and you’re exiting.
There are additional charges we think Spirit could tack onto its free tickets — which is what the airline is already doing, though it’s charging for the tickets too. (For example, the ticket agents could charge 10 cents a keystroke, racking up hundreds of dollars just to tell some one what gate the flight is at.)
But what campaign wouldn’t sound good if you could claim “Always fly free” (additional fees and charges may apply). This way, Evil Spirits can say everyone flies for next to nothing and still charge more than other airlines that simply charge for the flight — oh wait, it already does that.
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