At this time of year many schools prepare for class trips to domestic and international locales. Funds are sometimes paid for by grants and the largesse of the local business community but mostly money is raised through a lot of hard work on the part of the students, their teachers and other school officials.

It often takes the better part of the school year to save the money necessary for a long trip to places like Paris, London and Munich. The trips are generally tied in with some sort of cultural and/or educational theme so besides seeing a whole different part of the world the students are going to have first-hand knowledge of things that could never be gleaned from just a book.

However, how many times have you watched the news, only to see a bunch of sobbing kids outside the storefront of what looks like a fly-by-night (pardon the pun) travel office because they’ve come to get their tickets and/or visas, and have encountered a locked door and what appears to be an abandoned office? Television stations of all-sizes are full of stories like this – especially during sweeps months.

Not to let the miscreant travel firm off the hook in the slightest, the naivety of the customers is what these shameless slime balls count on. Rather than a constant in-person heads-up, whoever is responsible for making the arrangements with the travel company generally figures the group is in the hands of a pro, which is why they were hired in the first place, and everything will be fine. I’m sure the Russians convinced some Hungarians that if only they’d put down their guns and rocks that everything would be taken care of because the populace would be in the hands of true professionals.

It seems like the only time we ever see the crooked bastards who have screwed organizations and schools out of their hard-earned dollars is the day the TV station camera crew arrives. There’s seldom a follow-up too see what eventually happened to the crooked sonsabitches who cheated them. Sometimes, however, there will be something of a follow-up on the next night’s broadcast to announce that XYZ Corporation has donated the cost of the trip so that the students will still be able to go. This is very admirable on the part of the givers but the other half of what’s happening to the crooks is rarely told.

I have possible consequences for those shameless con-men and believe me, they aren’t pretty. Over the top? Perhaps, but put yourself in the shoes of some poor high school kid who spent the better part of a year collection pop cans, coupons or whatever form of labor he could bring to the table to make his contribution to the travel fund. Finally comes the big day when he’s supposed to receive his plane ticket so he can eagerly see what kind of seat he was assigned and find out who will be sitting with him. However, instead of a plane ticket he was handed a copy of the note that was left on the door of the travel company. Most read something like, “Because of a family emergency we are out of the office,” or “Please call your airline to make other arrangements” or the worst scenario of all…there is no note.
Short of ironically being in Hawaii, have some school official call Dwayne “Dog” Chapman and ask him to recommend a local tracker or bail bondsman who also works missing persons. Then call this person and ask if there’s a charitable or non-profit school rate. If there is, have him (or her) meet with your group and give him the parameters of how “persuasive” he can get in his discussions with the travel company official. After that, let the professional do his job.  If he does it right, the following things will probably happen:

• The person who defrauded the group will never walk again
• The person who defrauded the group will never be able to take care of bodily hygiene without help.
• The person who defrauded the group will need to have someone contact “Leader Dogs for the Blind.”
• The person who defrauded the group will fully understand the word “androgynous
• Each student or group member who has been screwed out of the trip should be given a new Xacto knife and allowed five minutes with the perpetrator, using him as a canvas
• Every asset the defrauding party has should be confiscated and sold and the monies raised will be used to buy First-, or Business-Class tickets for everyone. Also, hotel accommodations should carry a minimum four-star Michelin rating

I’m sick of seeing young people being screwed. (Full disclosure: I once screwed young people, but I was a young people then, too, and didn’t know any better – I was a young lad from Indiana and nothing is more degenerate than a Horny Hoosier.) Life is too short to feed off the misery of others. It’s just like hotels that are now substantially raising their rates to suck the last doubloon out of stranded travelers from the Icelandic volcano. There’s a special place in Hell for people like that and I would hope the guilty get there in the most expeditious fashion…and that would include NOT making travel arrangements themselves.

There are plenty of reputable firms out there and more than ample opportunity (and time) to do a thorough check on anyone being considered to be responsible for something as emotionally-precious as a once-in-a-lifetime thrill – something the students will carry with them for eternity. Anyone cheating children is guilty of pedophilia – the same as if they physically molested them. Won’t those sick pricks be surprised when they learn first-hand that Zorro and the Hulk aren’t just myths?!!

When Al was in school, a travel agent took advantage of him and his classmates, promising a tour of exotic locales including Frankfort, Alexandria, Dunkirk and Lebanon. The bus never left Indiana. Al’s column appears here every Monday.

Tags: hipster, Nonplussed traveler, school, travel, trips