Amidst the fervor created by the recent release of Kitty Kelley’s unauthorized biography of Queen of All Things Media, Oprah Winfrey has taken back the limelight by announcing publicly that she is, in fact, a man.

“It’s all been a ruse,” Oprah confessed. “What started out as a triple-dog dare from Gayle dare just spiraled out of control. Before I knew it, I was Oprah, not Orville, my real God-given name.”

When asked how s/he actually managed to dupe the entire world for so many years, Orville simply replied, “Spanx and duct tape.”

Orville is arguably the most powerful and influential figure in media today. According to last year’s Forbes’ eponymous List of Billionaires, his net worth is a staggering 2.7 billion dollars, or Kroner.

“I wouldn’t have a clue what to read if it weren’t for Oprah’s—um, Orville’s— wisdom and guidance,” says a life-long fan from Michigan. “In fact, I’d probably be illiterate. I wouldn’t know what a book looked like, even a coloring book.”

After the shocking press conference, Orville took a select group of reporters on a tour of his sprawling abode, showing for the first time in history his tricked-out, beer-walled man cave, complete with an IMAX screen, basketball court, bowling alley, and Jai-alai court. “I actually shoot hoops here with Steadman, usually after taping each show. He’s totally cool with the fact that I have a penis. He’s the man.”

Future plans for Orville after his impending retirement include traveling to a country he has yet to invent, building a pottery studio in Dubai, and losing weight. “It’s always been an issue for me,” he admits.

Tags: Oprah, Spanx