In a last-ditch effort to try and stop the plumes of oil still flowing from the failed Deepwater Horizon drill site, BP pulled out the big guns and finally produced a solution, unveiling their crackerjack think-tank “A-team”: Miss Wallesky’s Kindergarten class.
Miss Wallesky’s class of 18 Kindergarten students at the Richard M. Nixon Elementary School in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, had been working around the clock since the initial blast two months ago trying to devise a plan that would permanently stop the leak after BP’s numerous failed attempts of projects “Top Chef,” “Top Gun,” and “Goose & Maverick.”
“We were all watching the spill on TV, all those dead birds and pelicans, and I knew this was going to take more than a bake sale,” Wallesky said. “Desperate times call for desperate measures.”
She then put the classroom in lock-down mode, bolting the door and not letting the children use the bathroom until they produced some workable solutions. Sitting on the floor in a story-book semi-circle, the rambunctious group of creative five-year-olds proceeded to chain-smoke and drink Red Bull juicy boxes as they drew numerous blueprints with an array of non-toxic crayons and scented markers.
“I like cherry,” said Marcus, a student of Miss Wallesky’s.
Marcus’s colleague, Lester, came up with the winning concept of plugging Play-Doh into the leak site to form a permanent seal after he wet his pants and surreptitiously lodged a large wad of the modeling compound up his nose after tripping on the classroom’s hamster cage.
“We couldn’t be more proud,” said Lester’s mother, Nancy Osterling. “Our little boy just saved the Gulf Coast, and he can’t even read!”
Although the students were sequestered in the classroom for weeks on end, food was air-dropped by a local S.W.A.T. team and the children’s vehement demands for more chocolate chip Teddy Grahams were met with no injuries. Students took turns napping after working 12-hour shifts.
Miss Wallesky and her students presented their findings, labeled “Project Playtime,” to a panel of awestruck corporate leaders from BP’s Strategic Underground Command and Control (SUCC) team in London last Friday.
“Brilliant,” said BP’s Chief Operating Officer, Doug Suttles. “Simply brilliant.”
After the award-winning presentation, everyone convened in the lobby for nap time and cookies.
Five-year-old Lester Osterling will replace Tony Heyward as BP’s acting C.E.O.
