Even King James bought a one-way ticket out of town.

I have found it interesting to watch the crocodile tears flowing out of Northeast Ohio the past few days over the departure of LeBron James, arguably the greatest basketball player (at his age) the world has ever seen (recently).

Listening to how his departure can’t be viewed as anything but a betrayal to the very city that “made him” is a bulimic’s wet dream. To quote my friend Frank, truly one of the most articulate men I’ve ever met, LeBron James doesn’t owe Cleveland dick!

Even though my illustrious editor thinks there’s more fun to be had sitting on a toilet in the men’s room of a tollway oasis, I have actually been a fan of Cleveland ever since the city went on a balls-to-the-wall program to clean up the city and its image. My editor doesn’t remember the days when Cleveland – formerly known as “The Mistake on the Lake” – was famous for two things: it had a seabed that actually caught fire; and it was home to the legendary Roxy

Cleveland classless?

Theater – one of the last city-center burlesque theaters in the country. During its heyday the fortunate individual who had the tissue concession was the Bill Gates of his era. What does this have to do with my discussion of the departure of Mr. James? Dick! But…I digress.

LeBron James was given a contract to play for the Cavaliers during the 2003 draft. He was 18 years old. The 2009-2010 season just ended. Do the math, Euclid. James gave Cleveland six awesome years, brought fame to the team, positive vibes to the city of Cleveland, thrilled millions of fans worldwide…and all without any kind of controversy so often associated with the stereotypical, overpaid and underbrained professional athlete. Now the very fans who so adored him throughout his playing days in Cleveland have turned their backs on him.

Now I know what happened to all the pollution that was cleaned up from the rivers, lakes and streams around Cuyahoga County; it seeped in to the brain cells of the area’s citizenry. You stupid pricks should kiss his ass on his way out of town instead of burning his jersey. He didn’t shirk his duty or obligation to you…but you have showed your true colors by acting the way you are over his decision to try to do something for himself with the talent he was fortunate enough to have been born with. Would Cleveland have acted the same towards someone who was CEO at General Electric’s Lamp Division, located in Nela Park in the city proper, and leaves the company to take the top job at IBM in Armonk, NY? Is he a turncoat? In your half-assed eyes he would be.
If you blame LeBron for all of Cleveland’s past, present and future ills then you should really do a number on is traitorous ass. Go down to the Flats, find a sleazy bar, knock one boilermaker after another down your throat, jump in your beat-up 1997 Mercury Grand Marquis, head out to the interstate – Cleveland has several to choose from – and plow in to a school bus full of kids. You can’t be blamed for this. When LeBron James was winning games for the Cavaliers your life was a dream. However, now that the Commie son-of-a-bitch has pissed on your once-great city there’s going to be a new legal specialty practiced and perfected by the county’s shysters – the LeBron James defense. It’s perfect!

No Ohio judge would sentence anyone to imprisonment if the defendant has been a rabid Cavaliers fan no

Even Cleveland's basketball owner Dan Gilbert lacked class after LeBron left.

matter how heinous the crime. Bottom line is, you Buckeyed Buttholes are shallow enough to believe this has possibilities. You’re apparently too stupid to appreciate what LeBron James didn’t give you.

LeBron James had nothing to do with creation of one of the greatest zoos in the country; LeBron James had nothing to do with the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame – one of the Midwest’s great tourist attractions; LeBron James didn’t construct Jacobs Field, one of the greatest places to watch a baseball game in the world; LeBron James didn’t build one of the great lakefronts of the country, either. If you’re really into self-flagellation then consider this: LeBron James has just let the world know that Cleveland, Ohio, is a city not fit to hold his jockstrap.

You want depression? Try living in Detroit sometime. You’ll worship the ground that LeBron James used to

Going to Miami

walk on. Cleveland is everything Detroit would love to be…but will never come close. You still have a city people will drive to and spend money in. Detroit is best known as a city where the weak are killed and eaten.
Someone with a frontal lobotomy knows that the first time LeBron James come to Cleveland when he joins the Miami Heat you ungrateful louts will probably boo him. He will ignore the catcalls from you pussies. From what I’ve seen the past few days, when LeBron James left the city of Cleveland the last bit of class found there went with him. And try not to blame Dan Gilbert for the departure of James, either. It’s not his fault you people are assholes.

Al really loves basketball, and believes he should be paid LeBron’s previous contract for his column, which appears here every Monday.