During the days when we actually used the USPS to mail letters and called people on phones attached to cords, I walked into a Roy Rogers restaurant on a high school dare and ordered a Trigger burger with extra Horsey Sauce. I was promptly greeted by the manager and escorted out of the establishment.

Call it karma, but ever since then, I’ve had this sinking feeling that every horse across America knew who I was and wanted me dead or at least limping, as if stalls around the country had been papered with APB alerts highlighting my mug shot with the caption, “Wanted: Dead or alive for aggravated verbal assault on a fellow brother. Stomp to kill.”

I had a chance to make my horse amends on a dude ranch press trip at Latigo Ranch (pronounced LAT-ah-go) in Kremmling, Colorado, nestled in the majestic landscape of the Arapaho National Forest at a staggering 9,000 feet. It was there that I came face to face with my feared equine nemesis, Candy, a gentle black mare with soft eyes and a quiet spirit.  She seemed to know of my torrid past and yet forgave me with a simple switch of her tail. A tacit bond was formed. She’s now on my Christmas card list and we e-mail at least twice a week.

Latigo Ranch is where I honed my beginner riding skills and overcame my paralyzing fear of falling off a horse. (I didn’t fall off, due in large part to prayer and the excellent tutelage from Rachel the kick-ass Wrangler who actually wore spurs and had a lasso burn on her neck. I didn’t press for details. She kinda scared me.) Rachel walked me through the proper way of holding the reins (dominant hand, gripping it like an ice cream cone), how the bits work (the device put in the horse’s mouth to signal direction and command), then took me on a spectacular trail ride through parts of the Arapaho Forest, wending our way past stately Aspen trees and postcard views of the Continental Divide.

There is just something indescribably magic about being out on a horse in the untapped wilderness, a purity and stillness I came to respect and appreciate. I get why people ride.

Co-owners Jim and Kathie Yost and Randy and Lisa George have a knack for anticipating their guests’ needs in every way, a wanted luxury that is more a rarity these days in anything travel. The in-room fridge is stocked with complimentary soft drinks; free use of the laundry facilities; loaner boots and Sigg water bottles for riding at no additional cost. And the “nouveau ranch” gourmet cuisine by Randy and Lisa was some of the best food I’ve ever tasted (three extra pounds is proof). I had never seen a stack of branded pancakes before in my life. They put IHOP to shame.

One of the highlights of the trip was the branding session on the last night of our stay. We got to design our own logo and brand it into the wall to leave a permanent mark on Latigo. The entire kitchen area’s walls are filled with unique, cryptic-looking insignias, a mural of cowboy hieroglyphics. Repeat visitors get to re-mark their original brand with a small dot to signify another trip—one family’s brand had 10 dots around their logo. I also branded my cowboy hat and some guests branded their boots. It’s that kind of a dude ranch: you’re at home as a guest, and by the end of the trip, it’s a hard place to leave.

This fall, Latigo is holding a fall cattle round-up in the third week of September for the more experienced horse rider, one whose bum can withstand five to eight hours in a saddle to help local cattle ranchers gather their herd. There’s also an adults-only week from September 12-18, and the discounted rate season runs from August 22 through September 18. Happy trails!

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Suffering from equinophobia (fear of horses), I knew I had to take on this dude ranch assignment.

The fear was unbased and a bit irrational: I never got thrown off a horse, had never even been on a horse, actually, but I had heard stories — Uncle Charlie got kicked in the head by Trigger and was just never the same since; the neighbor’s little girl broke her arm during a pony trail ride.

Stories, all ending in not-so-favorable results. Combine that with acrophobia (fear of heights), and horse riding was buried at the bottom of my “To Do” list.

I arrived at Drowsy Water Ranch (altitude 8,200 feet) in Granby, Colorado, nestled on 640 acres of wooded backcountry near the Arapaho National Forest, with my head spinning from the lack of oxygen and a full-blown migraine brewing at the base of my neck.

I was cordially met by co-owner Gretta, decked out in her cowgirl best (bandana, checkered shirt, denim skirt and boots) as she walked me, the token City Slicker (flowery scarf, sweater, chino pants and open-toed sandals) to my no-frills cabin. It was clean, comfortable, and spacious—the cabin was big enough to sleep a family of six—and had a real wood-burning fireplace in the main living room that I actually used on a chilly June night.

Make sure to stop in downtown Granby on the way for sodas or adult beverages to stock the in-room mini-fridge; beverage choices at the ranch are limited to water, lemonade and iced tea.

The main activity is obviously riding—morning and afternoon trail rides—as well as instruction in the main arena, all led by experienced wranglers whose instruction runs the gamut from teaching first-time riders how to mount a horse to cattle round-ups with seasoned cowboys.  By far, the most memorable trail ride was riding the meandering mountain path through fragrant sage brush that opened to a stunning vista of the Continental Divide beneath an endless ceiling of Colorado sky.

By the end of the week’s riding program, even first-time riders will be confident enough to go from trotting their horse (two-beat gait) to loping (a faster, three-beat gait). I was loping by Day 3 with some fear and no real injuries, save a broken crotch and very tired legs.

(Bring lots of Aleve and soak in the on-site hot tub.) It’s also a good idea to pack your own riding boots (rental boots are available at the ranch for a fee), cowboy hat, durable rain gear, and light-weight, layerable clothing that can get dirty. And don’t forget the sunscreen.

Non-riders can choose from a variety of activities such as river rafting down the Colorado (price included in rate fee), fishing (fly-casting instruction is available), swimming in the heated pool, golfing at nearby courses, guided hikes on nearby trails, hayrides, old-fashioned hoedowns, or just sitting on the cabin porch with a good book.

Eating is also sport here: When we weren’t riding, we were at the feeding trough (dining hall), feasting on copious amounts of home-cooked meals.

Drowsy Water Ranch is a great, all-inclusive travel deal for any family or group of friends looking for a unique, rough-n-tumble vacation to get away from the noise of life—there are no TVs and cell reception is limited (Yee-hah!).

The owners—Ken, Randy Sue, Justin, Gretta and Ryan Fosha—have been running the ranch for more than 30 years and pride themselves on running an affordable dude ranch experience that’s laid-back, fun and family-friendly.  So, happy trails, partner…see you at the ranch.

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Look, it may be difficult to dress up like a plaid douche bag and still be able to pedal your bicycle, but there are plenty of other costumes to choose from that won’t get caught up into the chain on your beach cruiser.

Of course, drinking and riding is never encouraged (and no one wants to be the designated driver), but this event starts at one bar and ends at a club — so we thought it was a good idea to mention it.

The ride starts at 7 p.m. at The Ginn Mill (2149 Larimer Street) and organizers expect thousands of people in full regalia. Once the ride ends, the bands are expect to start at BETA Night Club (1909 Blake Street). So whose playing? It’s super secret: It’s promised that the night of music will include an internationally well known bands.

Tickets are $12 now, $15 at the door. For more details check out the Cruisaroo website. And if you go, drop us a few photos from the day of boozin’ and cruisin’.

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Hey, I love my city. And if you come here, you should too. You may have a slight headache for a couple of days and hangovers get a little magnified because of the thinner air, but just muscle your way through it.

Denver rocks and if you don’t have enough to do with Part I or Part II of this series than it’s you, not me. But here are a few more things to consider if planning a trip to Denver.

7) Sports. If it involves a ball and overpaid steroid abusers this town has it. Baseball, football, hockey (the most fanatic fans are for the Avalance and tickets are sometimes dear) and basketball. You can also enjoy soccer, lacrosse and even rugby (nearby Glendale has an actual rugby stadium). Or just go to one of the many parks to watch the bikers, joggers, volleyballers, kickballers, and fishermen. Colorado is the thinnest state in the Union because people here exercise a lot and they like to do it where other people can see them do it.

Marijuana. Despite what you see and smell all over town, marijuana is not 100 percent legal. The city earned it’s Mile High name because of the altitude, that’s it, just its height above sea level.  After a 2005 referendum under an ounce is legal under city law, but state law still applies ($100 fine). A subsequent referendum made pot-busts the city’s “lowest enforcement priority” and there is a lot of tolerance but arrests are still made. (There is also a medical marijuana system that the state has kept its hands off of for now but the cards of other states are not recognized.)

If this is your thing you should already know how to score in a foreign city. If not don’t even try. This is not Amsterdam.

9) The Nightlife. Formerly a blasted wasteland of warehouses and dive bars, the lower downtown (LoDo) area is now so hip they set a season of the Real World there. Not sure what happened to MTVs intrepid reality stars, but this is Denver so cannibalism was probably involved. Anyway, this where most of the dance clubs are located. Not my area of expertise but there are enough venues that you should be able to find something to fit your groove. If not there are plenty of other clubs in town with burlesque, comedy and other entertainments to suit all but the most jaded palate. Or you can do what I do and just start walking, even if nothing else strikes your fance you will pass by a string of bars you can stop in and check out.

10) Look at stuff. Denver has a lot of old preserved buildings and nice architectural variety to look at while you wander around. There’s also a zoo, art and science museums, multiple theaters, a symphony and a ballet company for the cultured set. If that’s not your thing grab a seat at one of the ubiquitous restaurant patios and watch the world go past. If you prefer to stay in motion, horse drawn carriages and pedicabs can be found on the 16th Street Mall in the evenings and on weekends to take you around the city in style.

Editor’s note: Robert Mohl hates the zoo and the little kids who go there.

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So you know you can eat, drink and ride a bike in Denver (all at the same time if you want to), I already wrote about that, but like a bad commercials, wait, there’s more.
4) History. Denver has an amazing history. Founded on dreams of gold, it was essentially run by the KKK in the 1920s, and was con-artist capital of the USA during the early 20th century. (As seen in the book The Big Con, which inspired the movie The Sting. But The Sting was tame compared to what actually happened). Plus massacres, murder, cannibalism and scandal.

Sadly Denver seems to take no pride in this checkered history. Denver Inside And Out and Denver History Tours are two walking tour outfits that will give you the lowdown while you travel about our fair metropolis.

5) Concerts. The local music scene is pretty good (the Flobots being the latest to make it big), with a lot of little venues having shows nightly. The best venue though is Red Rocks Amphitheatre which is a huge outdoor setting carved out of red rocks, though I don’t know how it got its name. Smuggle in booze and enjoy a night under the stars. They also have Film on the Rocks there with a concert and a movie during the summer.

6) Mountain getaways. The Rocky Mountains are right next door and whether it is skiing, hiking, mountain biking, looking at trees or visiting little mountain towns lots of people take off to them for the weekend. Be careful outside of summer though. The mountains are serious business and bad weather can close the roads or make driving hazardous. If you are going into the woods go prepared. People die up there because they get lost and didn’t bring a coat. Or they get eaten by a cougar (the cat, not some middle aged woman).

Check out Part III of the series tomorrow.
Editor’s note: Robert Mohl has lived in Denver for a couple of years. He’d move somewhere else, but he’s doesn’t like packing.

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Editor’s note: This is the first of a three part series.

So you are in the Mile High City and the FBI is kicking down doors from LoHo to SoBo and hauling guys named Mohammed off to jail. The War on Terror is back and since you aren’t Jack Bauer you want to do something fun in the next 24 hours before the Terrorist Alert Level goes to Red and martial law is declared.

You are in luck. While it has been 20 years since it was the setting for melodramatic slap-fest Dynasty, Denver still has plenty of fun, entertainment and boozy shennigans to offer. Time to call that trouble making neighbor Tom Foolery and hit the streets.

1) Drink. Named by Men’s Health in 2007 (and 2004) as the Most Drunken City in America, Denver also has more microbreweries per capita than anyplace else in America. Just off the top of my head there is The Breckenridge, The Flying Dog, The Rock Bottom Brewery and The Wynkoop (Mayor Hickenlooper’s old joint). The Coors brewery is also up the road in nearby Golden and has a brewery tour with the usual sampling at the end if that’s your bag.

If fresh-brewed ales aren’t your thing there are plenty of other bars to wet your whistle at, and when I say plenty I mean an absurd amount. We didn’t get the title of Drunkest City in America by accident. Some notable stand-outs are My Brother’s Bar (former hangout of Jack Kerouac), the Cruise Room Martini Bar (modeled after the bar on the Queen Mary) and my personal favorite, SOBO 151. A bit outside of downtown on South Broadway it is a Czech bar with a remarkably good kitchen and assortment of imported Czech Republic brews.

2) Eat. Denver is a big foodie town. For the tourists there is the Buckhorn Exchange with 500 stuffed animals on the wall and Casa Bonita from South Park (yes, it is real), but those don’t reflect the current scene. There are top notch outfits in town with guys showing up on the Food Network and everything. Sushi is huge despite being 1,000 miles from the ocean and Sushi Den is probably the reigning champ. There is also a strong hippy flavor and many vegetarian outlets. Mercury Cafe is one everybody goes to since they have poetry slams, dancing and other stuff along with surprisingly tasty veggie options. There’s also plenty of Mexican, Thai, Vietnamese (the best are out on Federal Boulevard), German, Italian… you know what? If you want it, we have it.

3) Bike rides. Denver has a ridiculous number of bike trails, almost rivaling the number of gin joints. There are over 850 miles extending across the metro area, though everybody seems to stick to the Cherry Creek trail, clogging up my daily ride into work. These are paved and off the main roads so you can enjoy a leisurely ride without taking your life into your hands. Just stay out of the left side unless you are one of the Lance Armstrong wanna-bes who brake for nothing.

After a successful bike-share program during the 2008 Democratic National Convention, the city planned to make it permanent. Unfortunately that plan came to a screeching halt along with the economy. Not to worry though, there are plenty of places you can rent wheels while you are in town with the Cherry Creek Bike Rack, Confluence Kayak and most of the other bike shops in town offering deals. On Wednesdays during the summer, the Denver Cruisers hold a costumed bike and booze around town for those who prefer a more social ride.

– Editor’s note: Robert Mohl was not involved in any terror plot (as far as we know).

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