Vampires, werewolves and teenage angst — which immortal do I really want to fall in love with?

But when the movie ends, you still haven’t visited any place other than the a dark room and a parking lot. Don’t you think a real Twilight tour might feed that hunger? The Los Angeles Times reported that thousands of people have already started checking out the homeland of Bella, Jacob and Edward — Forks, Washington.

If you’re looking for a Twilight themed slumber party you can go to The View Point Inn in Forks, which will charge you a mere $175 per person for the night. Eternal life is not part of the package.

If you’re in Portland, you can also hook up with Twilight tours of film locations — as Forks is only the home in the books, not real life.

There are also a bazillion vampire themed tours and packages.

The Vampire Tours of San Francisco. Definitely check out this site.

The Vampire Tours in New Orleans. Kind of Cajun creepy.

And our favorite: Vampire Tours in Romania. At least that one makes sense. At least that’s actually a real location for fake vampires.

For the rest of us, well, there are always the movies.

Before I moved to Portland, I didn’t know any better. Microbrews were a novelty and my own fridge was stocked with the Champagne of Beers and, if I was feeling exotic, Corona.

But by the time anyone establishes a permanent address in Portland, beer snobbery takes over. I’m still a noob compared to most of the PDX population, but even I know enough to offer sage advice.

In the spirit of sharing, I’ve got three tips for beer lovers who want to come to Portland and experience the best we’ve got to offer in the beer department.

1) Skip the festivals. Portland loves its beer festivals but they’re invariably uncomfortable affairs rife with long lines and the bridge-and-tunnel crowd (it means the same thing here) with nary a brewer in sight.

2) Come in the fall. Two words: fresh hops. When the air starts to turn crisp that’s when the fresh hop beers start appearing and these seasonal delights don’t last long and aren’t shipped far. Remember lying on fresh cut grass in late summer sun? That’s what fresh hop beer tastes like.

3) Think beyond the breweries. Rogue, Bridgeport, Deschutes, Laurelwood, Full Sail: Everyone has their favorite. But some of the folks who are the most knowledgeable and passionate about beer don’t work for a brewery. Two suggestions (and I don’t have any more affiliation than an East Side PDX pride) are the Belmont Beer Station (which is no longer on Belmont) and The Green Dragon both of which will feature beers from small obscure breweries, know what seasonals are worth going out of your way for, and can introduce you to brewers of note.

Bottoms up.