Image from ORLANDOTRAINS.COM

All Aboard! These are words everyone likes to hear. Time to go, come on, let’s go!

The Orlando Star Clipper is a train that departs from Eustis, Florida, to parts unknown. And there are so many unknown parts of Florida, like Eustis, Mt. Dora and other locales just outside of Orlando.

Everyone knows Orlando – Mickey, Goofy & the gang. Now, it’s time you experience a little bit of reality – not everyone wears mouse ears and lives in a pink castle. The Orlando Star Clipper will show you a bit of Florida off the beaten track, all while being on the tracks.

Imagine a dinner train, complete with quality service, a five course dinner and drinks galore. You begin to feel like you’re in another time as you feel the train begin to roll down the tracks, but with all the amenities of today. What could be better? Dinner train tickets are $55 per person and cash bar is available for those who like to imbibe… and who doesn’t?

The Orlando Star Clipper Dinner Train departs Eustis and takes you on a tour of aptly named Lake County, Florida traveling along side Lake Eustis, Lake Francis and Lake Dora. Didn’t realize there were so many lakes in Florida, right? Well, there’s many more than just those three if you take one of the longer cruises available on the Star Clipper.

Our trip on the Star Clipper began with arriving to the depot in Eustis. Located near Ferran Park on Lake Eustis. The whistle blows, the ride begins and time as you know it melts away. The scenery unfolds beside you and you realize there are still parts of Florida that are beautiful and untouched.

Dinner is served during the ride and you won’t be disappointed. The staff is friendly and professional, the food is good and everything on board runs like a ship… or is that train? The nice thing is you don’t realize how much formula is involved in running a dinner train because you’re enjoying the experience with your travel mates.

The set up of the dining car allows for large parties and small. You’re able to move about the cabin, no seat belts required, no crazy flight attendants barking at you to sit down. The atmosphere is fun, the dining car is full of people and everyone is part of the fun. Entertainment was provided by the riders on our train car, but the Star Clipper also offers live music on some of the trips.

Image from ORLANDOTRAINS.COM

The Star Clipper Dinner Train is just one of three services offered by Rail Entertainment USA just outside of the Orlando area. After a dinner on the Star Clipper, you can retire to the Pullman Palace which will offer first class accommodations in a sleeper car and concludes with a railroad breakfast.

The Mt Dora Scenic Railway offers family entertainment for the younger train enthusiasts with themed rides on a 1920′s era passenger train.

So, you’re going to Orlando? Well, do something different than the obvious Disney or Universal. Climb aboard a piece of history and take a step back in time as you enjoy. You might find that some of the real adventures Florida has to offer are better than the make believe.

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While we first thought this was a gathering of model train experts and pedophiles, we’ve since learned that it is a fake holiday designed to create awareness that there are trains in America — terribly slow and inefficient trains on the East Coast.

The national network of trains is even worse, such as the 2 days it would take to get from Chicago to New York City. (There’s still a $336 ticket that takes 26 hours available.)

It’s kind of embarrassing, especially since we would take trains everywhere if we could. They’re much easier than flying, it could create a world without cars and you can play around on your computer instead of driving. However, the trains in the US are awful, so, we fly.

As far as contrived holidays go, National Train Day is pretty well organized. It has a spokesman, Taye Diggs — the man who helped Stella Get her Groove Back.

It has a website — NationalTrainDay.com.

It has special exhibits in Washington DC: 11 a.m. — 4 p.m. Union Station. Meet Taye Diggs and see if he can help Amtrak get its groove back. There are also displays and discount train tickets.

Philadelphia: 11 a.m. — 4 p.m. 30th Street Station: Exhibits include the History of Baseball travel on trains aka, card games on wheels. Dallas Green and Gary Mathews will also visit. (They played for the Phillies.)

Chicago: 11 a.m. — 4 p.m. Union Station: Model train displays, music by Muddy Waters son and all the sausage you can eat.

Los Angeles: 11 a.m. — 4 p.m. Union Station: The Railroad Braceros Exhibit: this shows how Americans shipped in thousands of Mexicans to work during World War II to build and maintain railroad tracks. This was done because most of the Japanese workers had all rounded up and locked up.

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For travelers, that means the 2 hours and 40 minute trip to 2 hours 25.

But what’s 15 minutes in Spain? A lifetime.

Having spent a little time in Spain, nothing ever seems to go as planned and little is done in an American’s fast paced lifestyle. Fast food there means sitting down at midnight and waiting 30 minutes for a waitress just to acknowledge you’ve even arrived.

Saving 15 minutes in Spain is the equivalent to saving .001 cents on the exchange rate.

But you’ve got to give it to the people who’s ancestors decimated Central and South America’s civilizations thousands of years old with small pox and other diseases. (Winning an actual war would have required something of a plan, while breathing on them was certainly the easy way to go.)

Now, we’re not saying go to Spain. We love it there and would much rather spend a week in Spain than a week on the campus of Liberty College. The people are friendly, the sites incredible and the Sherry a delight. We just don’t see what the big deal is saving a few minutes on a train that is already going pretty fast.

But if you do want to go, and you need to buy a few train tickets, we do recommend using the high speed rail. It’s fast, comfortable and for short trips like the 600 km ride from Madrid to Barcelona, nearly perfect. Flying would take nearly as long once you check in and board.

Check out Spain’s high speed rail here.

Reserve a ticket here.

Look at its interactive map here.

Viva la High Speed Rail.

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The correct answer is: D (though you could make an argument for E).

Nobody gives better train than Europe. They’ve been at it for a long time, to be sure. Furthermore, the point-to-point distance between the Continent’s urban areas make rail travel the most ideal mode of transportation. Consequently, the countries that make up Europe have combined to build the most enviable intersected transportation network in the world. Not only do the trains run dependably, but they do so on the smoothest rails imaginable. Zooming along at over 100 mph in a first-class coach through Great Britain, drinking English tea and eating biscuits, while being able to set your cup on the window ledge without worrying about it spilling, is one of the real joys of life. It’s the same throughout the rest of Europe as well. No, it’s not because I was in a first-class car…it’s the same rails the other classes are riding on, Roscoe…just free coffee.

Before the advent of mass travel by air trains were the means of travel throughout the nation (seconded only by bus service like Greyhound and Trailways). Locomotives that blackened the sky like a raging fire at a tire factory gave way to clean, swift diesel engines. Once it became economical for all to fly and airlines like Southwest, many railroads gave up on passenger service (and life itself, for that matter) and the state of the nation’s tracks fell into disrepair. Unless you were trying to shake loose a kidney stone, trains were not the first choice from city-to-city. Oh, every few years perfunctory attention was paid to improving train service throughout the Northeast Corridor when Congress would realize how much sense it made to ride a train from Boston-New York, or New York-Washington. But other than occasional press releases from the Department of Transportation citing pairs of cities they’re looking at for possible future rail service, not much more than lip service was paid.

“If we had more point-to-point urban centers like Europe has it would make more sense to spend a major amount of money to build an adequate system” you say? Look at a map, Balboa. For every Dresden-Berlin and Paris-Brussels route the Euros have the United States has a Los Angeles-Las Vegas and Chicago-Detroit pair that would be ideal for high-speed rail service. That’s not to say you can’t take a train now from Detroit-Chicago; it’s just that you may miss your newborn’s high school graduation if you do so. The usual explanation the government gives is there’s not enough money available to do an adequate job of funding a self-sustaining rail service. Amtrak is proof of that.  Oh, really, Senator Full O. Guano?

Let’s look at some of the Congressional pork that has been shoveled throughout the country that benefits few, if any people. There are the more publicized ones like the infamous “Bridge to Nowhere” in Alaska or the “Capitol Hill Tourist Office.” I’m even one of the first to admit there are a lot of questionable dollars spent on incredibly-expensive projects for my beloved military. But for every well-known boondoggle there are hundreds, if not thousands that fly beneath the radar. Things like the breeding habits of the rhesus monkey when in close proximity to a rock and roll band; or a Woodstock Museum; or a six-year study seeking the financial reality of rerouting the Colorado River because a rogue family of titmice was sighted by the town drunk in Durango. As facetious as these are, there’s equally-ridiculous examples of others that are true. Put all the money together and there would be more than enough money to fund a workable plan to give the United States a rail system that rivals those of Europe and Japan. I don’t know about you but I’d trade funding a museum in Hollywood to honor the gerbil for a high-speed rail train between Detroit and Indianapolis any day.

Think of this as a wake-up call to those in Washington to pull their heads from the safety of their own colons and do something that will benefit the majority of people instead of old Betty that you’ve been trying to pork since you first entered the Congress six terms ago. The money is there…just ask the governments of countries that hate us throughout the world. There are about 300 million people in this country, which equates to an estimate of about 550 million middle fingers. Let’s use part of them to send messages to those nations that despise us and earmark the money we would have pissed away on them to put into a “lock box” (a term about as realistic as an “honest politician”) to use solely for the construction and maintenance of a high-speed, point-to-point rail system that will bring urban centers together.

Much like the golden spike at Premonitory Point, Utah, when the east and west portions of the country were united. There are few things more satisfying than sitting in a comfortable seat for several hours, sipping some hot, fresh coffee and reading a newspaper (or girlie magazine if that’s your desire), and occasionally seeing huge traffic jams outside caused by severe weather, accidents or the dreaded orange construction barrels. As the old saying goes, “There’s plenty of room on our plates for endangered species…right between the mashed potatoes and the corn fritters.

Al’s review of the Gerbil Hall of Fame could appear next Monday, when his column runs here next week at the same Bat Time, same Bat Channel.

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Basically, heroine addicts and speed shooters may want to think twice before packing up a bunch of needles in their carry on bags (checked luggage is still game though).  The reason: TSA agents tend to become pricks when they come across a few needles and you don’t have a doctor’s note. Additionally, transporting illegal drugs is often frowned upon by law enforcement agencies.

Ever since the underwear bomber tried to inject his panties with a chemical to cause an explosion, security has been a little more wary of strung out passengers carrying syringes in their luggage. Before Christmas, apparently, it didn’t matter and any one could have loaded up a bag full of needles without question.

However, legitimate users of needles such as diabetics need not worry.

According to About.com here are a few tips to remember (Major League Baseball players have also endorsed this, though they tend to fly on chartered flights):

• Carry a copy of your prescriptions in your carry-on, purse, or wallet when you travel.
• If you are taking injectable medications you must have the medication along with you in order to carry empty syringes.
• Do not remove syringes or medicines from the original packaging with printed labels and manufacturer’s information. Packaging is a good way to help airport security identify your medicines.
  
• You can ask and are entitled to a private screening to maintain your confidentiality.
• In response to security issues at your departure site and destination site, travel restrictions can change often. Arrange 2 to 3 hours before your flight in order to pass through security in plenty of time.
• With recent security concerns, the amount of liquids you are allowed to carry-on is limited and in some cases prohibited. At the time of this printing, even liquid medicines are allowed only in limited quantities.
• In some cases, the airline may ask thA e on-board staff to store your medicines and syringes during flight. Keep your medicines, syringes, and supplies together in a carry-on case or travel case to make passing them to and from the flight staff easier with less chance of losing medications or supplies.
• If traveling abroad, become familiar with the laws, restrictions, and requirements of the countries you are traveling to. The US requires all passengers to declare medicines and syringes when traveling abroad.

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Rescue workers were still cutting through the wreckage to pull passengers out of the trains that hit each other at a suburb about eight miles outside of Brussels, the Times Online reported.

Reuters reported that only 10 people were confirmed dead and that high-speed rail services with Briton and France had been suspended for the immediate future as the accident is investigated.

Prior to the accident, it was a typical Monday morning commute for most workers in Belgium, a country which does not celebrate President’s Day, though it may want to consider it next year.

Check out the wreckage footage from Reuters video here.

Here’s the ITN video of the tragedy.

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As I write this I can already feel my head start to throb. I am asking my editor to run this column anyway, even if it’s fragmented, because after the previous explanation you readers will know that my apartment in Hell was finally ready for occupancy.

When I was a kid living in Northwest Indiana I used to pray that my dad would get stopped by a train so I could count the cars, try to guess what was inside the dozens of box cars (besides hobos) and marvel at some of the heavy equipment being moved by flat cars and imagine where all of it was eventually going.

My knowledge of geography was not that great at the time so I figured they’d wind up all the way over to Michigan City – about 20 miles east. At the same time I also learned the proper pronunciation and context for the various “toilet words” my father uttered. These little talks he held with himself were quite educational for me and I’d go to school the next day and teach them to my fellow grade-schoolers.

Now that I’m older and have something of a hectic life, I can make up phrases that would make my dad blush whenever I see those blinking red lights from the train tracks signaling trouble ahead. I live south of Detroit in an area similar to where I grew up, except instead of steel mills we have auto plants and other related industries throughout the area. Consequently we have lots of train traffic, and I’m not talking about speeding passenger trains. I’m talking slow-moving freight trains that depending on what direction they’re headed, you’re either there for 5 minutes or as much as the better part of a half-hour.

Most states used to have a law that a train could not block a crossing for longer than 15 minutes without facing a fine. Most would do it anyway because the paltry sum the railroad would have to pay was not worth messing up their schedules and routines. Oh…but its okay to block ours!!!

There’s a major rail yard nearby and train traffic often blocks major crossings – sometimes the same train may block two…and at times, three (over a 1 ½ mile distance. I have actually seen ambulances that have had to go up to five miles out of their way to get an emergency patient to the hospital – located on the “other side of the tracks.” I wonder over the years how many poor people have died because of the extra time it took to get to the ER.

And as if to make the joy complete the incompetent governor we’ve had for the past eight years likes to think of herself as “industry’s friend” and has willy-nilly dropped the fine for trains blocking a crossing and had the language changed from “over 15 minutes” to “an unreasonable amount of time.” I can guarantee you, Cisco, that the chief legal counsel at the railroad views “unreasonable” as anything over three hours.”

These train don’t come through just during off-hours. Noooooooo. They’ll block the major crossings during morning and evening rush hours, evenings, late-night and all hours in between. I still like seeing trains but not when I’ve got a couple of cups of Dunkin’ Donut coffee and a bag full of McDonald’s hamburgers that I had to go out and hunt for my wife and me.

Sometimes I could start thawing a frozen Butter Ball turkey during the lengthy delays I’ve had watching the freight car count exceed 100. At the busiest major area road the state was going to build an underpass to avoid the constant train traffic that delays everybody so often. But thanks to the economy, that’s been put on hold until such times as the “Cows come home to roost” which is, I believe, the wording on the motion to table the construction project.

Here’s a solution that I’ve presented to the little-known lobbying group called Stop Halting for Irritating Trains; re-impose the 15-minute rule but make the fines so noticeable that Stevie Wonder would bitch. Have every intersection monitored by cameras. Every month a bill should be presented to the treasurer of the railroad with a 10-day grace period. If the railroad hasn’t paid on time, out-of-work stevedores from Toledo and people who work in the waste disposal business in downtown Detroit should be sent to the railroad offices and personally work out a payment plan…due that day!

In mid-November every year, just prior to Thanksgiving, the total amount of revenue collected from the railroads in fines should be divided up among every licensed driver in the state and a check written to partially cover the inconvenience and loss of quality life time while sitting in a car, shooting coal cars with your imaginary bazooka. Also, the gas money spent keeping the car running to keep it warm in winter and cool in the summer. This could result in one of Weird Al Yankovic’s famous song parodies, “We’re not waitin’ for the railroad…all the live-long day.”

Al also hates waiting for school buses, pedestrians and people in those little electric carts at grocery stores. His column appears here every Monday.

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But other than Joe Biden not nearly enough people use them because they have cars. But really, trains are a great way to travel if you can stick to a schedule — the one thing most Americans have trouble adjusting to.

Amtrak hopes it can curry the favor of a few more passengers by offering free wifi to on its Acela Express, according to Wired.

The move comes as just about every other piece of transportation offers wifi. You can already find it on airplanes, buses and personal cars can even connect to the internet, so it makes sense a train should to.

Now, if they can figure out how to keep the battery on the lap top used to access the Internet charged, Amtrak would really be onto to something. Perhaps a some sort of double pronged device or “outlet” of some sort that allows a cord from the computer to “plug” into it and keep “electricity” flowing to the computer.

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