Travelzoo sends us their weekly Top 20 and we like to cut them down and share them with you.

Keeps getting cheaper: $19 & up — JetBlue Cuts Nationwide Fares; Sale Ends Friday
http://www.travelzoo.com/top20/78331253-859862/
Source: JetBlue Airways

Not a bad deal if you get the weekend: $99 — Vegas All-Suite Hotel near The Strip, incl. Weekends
http://www.travelzoo.com/top20/78331253-857010/
Source: Platinum Hotel and Spa

Ewww, kids: $429 — Cabo All-Inclusive Getaway incl. Air; Kids Stay FREE
http://www.travelzoo.com/top20/78331253-859341/
Source: CheapCaribbean.com

Requires you be in Detroit: $167 — New York City from Detroit (Roundtrip) incl. Taxes
http://www.travelzoo.com/top20/78331253-859298/

Sail across an ocean. Photo via Travelzoo

Source: Fly.com

Mark Twain sailed across the Atlantic, why don’t you? $799 — 2-Week Spring Transatlantic Cruise plus $150 Credit
http://www.travelzoo.com/top20/78331253-859077/
Source: CruCon Cruise Outlet

$867-$879 — Paris & Rome 6-Night Vacation w/Air, Save $500
http://www.travelzoo.com/top20/78331253-858909/
Source: EuropeanDestinations.com

Really? Wisconsin?: $99 — Wisconsin: Lake Geneva Indoor Water Park Resort
http://www.travelzoo.com/top20/78331253-858147/
Source: Timber Ridge Lodge & Waterpark

Deal cut, it was stupid.

$99 — Chicago: Landmark Hotel through September, 60% OFF
http://www.travelzoo.com/top20/78331253-858134/
Source: Ambassador East Hotel

Get layed: $199 — Maui: Luxurious All-Suite Beach Resort (Reg. $399)
http://www.travelzoo.com/top20/78331253-857689/
Source: The Fairmont Kea Lani

Another dumb deal, cut.

$80 — Dublin: Upgraded Room at 4-Star Hotel, Save $125
http://www.travelzoo.com/top20/78331253-859853/
Source: The Croke Park Hotel

$99 — Weekends at Houston Hotel incl. Breakfast, 45% OFF
http://www.travelzoo.com/top20/78331253-858317/
Source: Hotel Derek

Quick, point it out on a map: $89 — St. Lucia All-Inclusive Beach Resort, Save 65%
http://www.travelzoo.com/top20/78331253-858111/
Source: Almond Smugglers Cove

Sounds sweet, though a lot of travel inside the trip: $2199 — Argentina, Brazil & Peru: 10-Night Package w/Air
http://www.travelzoo.com/top20/78331253-859247/
Source: LatinAmerica4Less.com

What? No boycott? $119 — Arizona: Top-Rated Resort incl. $50 Daily Credit
http://www.travelzoo.com/top20/78331253-857140/
Source: Arizona Biltmore

We want to be Vikings too. $359 & up — Iceland & Europe Fares in November (Roundtrip)
http://www.travelzoo.com/top20/78331253-859327/
Source: Major Airlines

$129 — Miami: South Beach Resort incl. Breakfast, 60% OFF
http://www.travelzoo.com/top20/78331253-858981/
Source: Royal Palm Resort

$1299 — Vietnam: Saigon & Hanoi Tour Package incl. Air
http://www.travelzoo.com/top20/78331253-859169/
Source: Friendly Planet Travel

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Sure, people loved to walk through the market snapping pictures of caged squawking birds as they quoted Maya Angelou. But there was a sadness to the market too, there was just something foul about it.

Well, mourn no longer — the market is closed. After 150 years, the city has shut down the market. The market no longer meets animal protection laws in Spain. (It kind of never did, but that’s an entirely different issue.)

It could be replaced with a Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Photo by Pramieonthego

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While the media just won’t shut up about this wedding, we’re more interested in cartography than nuptials. (Though we were infatuated with the Swedish princess marrying her personal trainer.)

So where is Rhinebeck, New York? Well, it’s right between Poughkeepsie and Albany and smack dab off of the Hudson River.

As for the wedding — well, the kind of cool, former president Bill Clinton will give away the bride and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Chelsea’s mom, will no doubt have her best wedding pant suit on for the occasion.

It’ll be a big affair, no doubt. We only wish two things for Chelsea: A wonderful day and hopefully, the very last one the media cares about what she does.

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Here’s some of the offers they have for this week.

$129+ Exclusive 35% off AAA Four Diamond Chicago stay — $129+ Rate is per night. Hotel Monaco Chicago $118+* Major airline fare sales from the Midwest — $118* R/T Fares are round trip. Major Airlines $549+* 24-hr. sale: 50% off all-inclusive Dom. Republic trip, $549*+ Price is per person. Apple Vacations $59+ New Orleans: 30% off French Quarter hotel with extras, $59+ Rate is per night. Dauphine Orleans Hotel $60+ Playa del Carmen: all-inclusive, beachfront resort from $60 Price is per person. Ocean Maya $139+ Costa Rica: lowest rates at luxury all-inclusive resort, $139+ Price is per person. Paradisus Playa Conchal $999+* Tahiti: air plus 4-night, 4-star stay w/breakfast — from $999* Price is per person. Air Tahiti Nui $479+* Riviera Maya trip: air + luxury all-inclusive suite, from $479* Price is per person. CheapCaribbean.com $699+* Rome/Florence: 7-day air, hotel & breakfast package, $699* Price is per person. Gate 1 Travel $35+ Myrtle Beach summer/fall: 30% off oceanfront stay, from $35 Rate is per night. Sandcastle Oceanfront Resort at the Pavilion $99 30% off Orlando: 3-bedroom suite w/extras — $99 any night Rate is per night. World Quest Resort $177+* Vegas/NYC/San Francisco 3-nt. packages w/air, from $177* Price is per person. Multiple Sources $469+* Puerto Rico: luxury Waldorf Astoria trip with air, from $469* Price is per person. CheapCaribbean.com $114+ 60% off Cabo: oceanview suite at all-inclusive resort — $114 Price is per person. BookIt.com $73+ Hawaii hotel sale: save up to 50% on four islands — from $73 Rate is per night. Aston Hotels & Resorts $177+* Last-minute flights from the Midwest, from $177* round-trip Fares are round trip. Expedia.com $719+* Caribbean: air + luxe Curacao oceanfront resort, from $719* Price is per person. Renaissance Curacao Resort & Casino $17+ Rental cars from $17 in destinations across the U.S. ] Price is per day. CarRentals.com $79+ 72-hour sale: ultra-hip 4-star Scottsdale hotel w/upgrade, $79 Rate is per night. Hotel Valley Ho

…

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“Approval from the European Commission is another important step toward completing our merger with United,” said Jeff Smisek, Continental’s chairman, president and CEO, in a press release. “The combination of United and Continental brings together the two most complementary networks of any U.S. carriers, with minimal domestic and no international route overlaps. Together we will offer customers unparalleled global access.”

Groups like the European Commission are often worried that a merger like the one Continental and United have proposed will lead to higher ticket prices and fewer options for travelers. It could have put a number of restrictions on the airlines, which hope to complete the merger by the end of the year.

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Yes, there are four cylinders inside.

Where's my bag? Where's my bag? Wheeerrreeeesss mmmmyyyyy baaaagggggg. Credit: Photo: Augapfel on Flickr (creative commons)

What Chinese boy doesn't love a giant goat? And what goat wouldn't love a Chinese boy? Credit: Photo: Augapfel on Flickr (creative commons)

Especially helpful after the beef and basil. Credit: sproing on Flickr (creative commons)

What? No waiting? Please, can I have a seat near the window, no, on second thought, maybe one toward the back might work? Credit: xiaming on Flickr (creative commons)

It's the rice that makes it sticky enough to "paste onto your tummy area." Credit: jj look on Flickr (creative commons)

Even Japan has a North Florida. Credit: jgalvan on Flickr(creative commons)

It's so obvious, and yet, so true. Credit: jgalvan on Flickr (creative commons)

Learn English and knot tying -- the two skills you need to get a European man. Credit: Augapfel on Flickr(creative commons)

Where else did you think you were? Credit: jgalvan on Flickr (creative commons)

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One page, one giant list of discounted airfares. This is why we like the JetBlue website, it's easy and full of ideas.

Attack, Attack, Attack.)

That’s the mantra JetBlue has taken now that nearly every other airline has started offering tickets at super discounted prices.

For travelers, that means discounts for you. Just go here and check out JetBlue’s Giant Wall of Savings.

There are tickets from Long Beach to San Francisco for $49, Portland to Long Beach for $59, New York City to Barbados for $99.

You have to book the tickets by July 30 and fly between September 7 and December 15.

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But there are drawbacks.

Walking into the airport without a paper boarding pass is unnerving. The habit of having a ticket is overwhelming. Every time I would tap my hand on my bag to assure myself that my ticket was there, it wasn’t. It was on my phone.

Then there is that slight paranoid panic attack that comes as you get into the security line. What if my phone battery goes dead? What if the internet connection fails and I can’t pull up the little digital image that so doesn’t look like a ticket.

But there’s something so modern and Planet friendly about keeping your ticket on your cell phone. You no longer have to worry about losing that little piece of paper. It’s not like it was put in a scrap book anymore.

Plus, there’s that additional smugness to helping the environment and being just a touch greener than all of those dead tree passengers.

So there I am, walking up to the TSA — in fact, cutting in line at the TSA, using the business class line where the E-ticket reader is. Security will let you right through, you’re modern and chic and most security don’t know how to read the digital ticket, they have a machine for that.

However, in Detroit, so few people actually use the digital ticket that the machine doesn’t work. Instead of skipping to the front of the line, I got to wait at the front of the line. The dead battery on the phone reader meant I had to wait for the TSA agent to figure out it didn’t work.

Then he had to call someone on his radio — which apparently is no one.

“Sir, it’ll just be a moment before we can get a new battery in it.”

Ten minutes later, I was still standing there watching the agent draw little blue lines on paper tickets as passengers walk by me, grabbing their little plastic bins and take off their shoes.

Ten more minutes later.

“Why can’t you just look at the information on there and let me through?”

“Because the machine has to read it. Don’t you have a back up?”

“A backup?” I ask.

“Yeah, a print out of your ticket.”

Finally, a TSA agent came out behind the steel curtain with a battery pack and then attempted to figure out how to put it on. Five minutes later, the card reader was ready — and I was on my way again. The planet still helped just a little but all of my smugness replaced with a little more disdain.

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Oh, there may be a couple of hundred million gallons of oil still floating around, but, well, whatever, if there’s not fresh video of birds dying, what’s the point of covering it?

Sadly, that is case of our here today / gone tomorrow media. But for the people who live along the Gulf Coast and many rely on tourism to help pay the bills, many experts say its going to take more than $20 billion to return things to the way they once were. (This is not including the obvious disaster tourists who want to go and see the actual oil washing up on the shores.)

A Washington Post story says that a recent meeting down in New Orleans estimates that the Road to Recovery — the actual name of the plan — will take more than three years and billions of dollars.

A group down on the Gulf has already asked BP for about $500 million to begin a campaign to lure tourists down south, we suspect that this coming winter there are going to be fabulous deals for tourists willing to actually see the Gulf of Mexico as the cleanup begins and people continue their lives — without cameras in their faces.

Our take: It’s a tragedy, but things are going to get better. Checking things out will be the first thing we do — and from there — we’ll let you know.

Now, about that shrimp shortage.

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You’ve seen them. It may have been at Ruby Tuesday’s or even Ponderosa, but you have seen them. I’m talking about people who mentally become “Chief of Surgery” when they have a pair of salad tongs in their hand. They don’t pick up a pile of lettuce and move along. Hell no! They’ll stand in front of the lettuce bowl and depending how full it is, take up to five minutes to select “just the right leaves” for their nourishing salad.

I hate those bastards! What I hate even more is that usually it’s some skinny-assed woman who lives in a house with no bathrooms because she has no need for one, and even if she does have one she doesn’t have to spend money on Glade Air Fresheners. Except for 90-degree days this person will usually have some designer woolen pant suit and wear a pair of Crocs.

Meantime the buffet line is backing up like a Burmese sewer. I’m not being sexist, people. Guys just grab a wad of anything and put it on their plates and let the good Lord sort it out back at the table. But not Muffy. By the time she gets done with her first – and generally only sortie to the salad line – she has room on her plate for a complete prime rib dinner because this bitch “has to watch her weight.” People like that should be served after the help has had their dinner break. I don’t know how long my lifespan is but to waste some of it waiting for some beanpole to find the Hope Lettuce Leaf is not my idea of leading a fruitful life.

Speaking of fruit, damn near the same scenario holds true for breakfast buffets. Are fat people the only ones who know how to work a buffet line? I attend a lot of business events and most involve eating breakfast at a fancy-schmantsy hotel that has a buffet line that contains everything from cream cheese to sausages the size of elephant turds. Every food group is represented there – the entire line of carbohydrates. Those of us who are anorexia-survivors go from hot plate to hot plate and pile the food on our plates like we’re exhuming a body for Catherine Willows on CSI. We may not eat everything that’s there but if I’m ever stranded on my way back to the table at least I’ll have some food to hold me over until I’m rescued.

The breakfast buffet has its own version of the lettuce selector but it’s someone who looks for the clearest color fruit to go along with their yogurt. They’ll stand in front of a food tray and spend the customary five minutes to find the most orange slice (you’ll notice I didn’t say “slices”) of cantaloupe or the greenest piece of honeydew. I give these health droids the same advice I’m giving to the salad bulimic…just grab a fork full and get your skinny ass back to the table. You aren’t going to have your testicles wired up to electrodes if you don’t eat everything on your plate.

I’m forgetting something about the Breakfast Bastard; he or she is usually covered in sweat because they’ve just come back from their daily 80-mile run and spent four hours in the hotel fitness room. My buddies and I have to sit there and watch them emit pools of liquid while we’re trying to leisurely eat a few pounds of bacon that will keep up our energy until the first food break of the morning. I would suspect that’s why cruise ships have so many buffet lines…because if they didn’t, by the time the entire passenger contingent was served the cruise would be over.

Truth be told, these people will probably live a lot longer than those like me. However, to what end? Let’s say that Gertrude and Morris have watched their food intake, eating the right foods and exercising their entire lives. They probably have never tasted the hidden treasures at a Dairy Queen. One day Morris wakes up with tremendous pains in his arms and chest. Then he experiences the worst headache he’s ever had in his life…and his life has been rife with migraines. Morris is having a stroke. Well guess what? Morris survives the stroke…and is the most buff guy sitting in a wheelchair for the next 30 years in what doctors call the “Q Position.” That’s when your tongue is hanging at an angle at the corner of your mouth like the letter “Q.” While taking care of Morris, Sally becomes so exhausted that her heart gives out and she’s lying dead in her bed for weeks before anyone comes by to check on them. She couldn’t depend on Morris no matter how great he looked. He’s sitting in his own goo, fully aware of what’s happened around him and unable to do anything except watch the television channel – which for him is unfortunately set on the food channel.

See what I’m getting at? You don’t have to do it every day but when you’re away from home on vacation or even business, let loose a little and eat like there’s no tomorrow. And for Christ’s sake move your ass in the buffet line. If cruise lines and hotels are smart they’ll put up a large yellow warning sign that says “Do not stop in line…fat people coming through.” And finally, the next time your doctor has the nerve and the arrogance to ask why you don’t eat healthier, tell him what I often tell Dr. Doyle when he asks me the same question, “If you can convince me there’s an iHOP on the “other side” I’ll behave myself. Meantime, I know where they’re all at here.”

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