Flight 253, which caught a little notoriety on Christmas day after a young Nigerian man tried to blow up his panties, must now be one of the safest in the entire world.

Additionally, many previous crime scenes have become tourist attractions, so it’s obvious to see why Delta Airlines continues to sell tickets. To enjoy the ride even more, ask for seat 19A and look for charred marks.

Bonus points if you can get three or four people on the plane to tackle you when you get up to use the bathroom.

Here are a few facts you may want to consider:

Name of alleged terrorist: Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab

Age: 23

Number of people on board: 289

Total number of people injured: 3 (including the bomber who was seriously burned)

Survived: All

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The correct answer is: D (though you could make an argument for E).

Nobody gives better train than Europe. They’ve been at it for a long time, to be sure. Furthermore, the point-to-point distance between the Continent’s urban areas make rail travel the most ideal mode of transportation. Consequently, the countries that make up Europe have combined to build the most enviable intersected transportation network in the world. Not only do the trains run dependably, but they do so on the smoothest rails imaginable. Zooming along at over 100 mph in a first-class coach through Great Britain, drinking English tea and eating biscuits, while being able to set your cup on the window ledge without worrying about it spilling, is one of the real joys of life. It’s the same throughout the rest of Europe as well. No, it’s not because I was in a first-class car…it’s the same rails the other classes are riding on, Roscoe…just free coffee.

Before the advent of mass travel by air trains were the means of travel throughout the nation (seconded only by bus service like Greyhound and Trailways). Locomotives that blackened the sky like a raging fire at a tire factory gave way to clean, swift diesel engines. Once it became economical for all to fly and airlines like Southwest, many railroads gave up on passenger service (and life itself, for that matter) and the state of the nation’s tracks fell into disrepair. Unless you were trying to shake loose a kidney stone, trains were not the first choice from city-to-city. Oh, every few years perfunctory attention was paid to improving train service throughout the Northeast Corridor when Congress would realize how much sense it made to ride a train from Boston-New York, or New York-Washington. But other than occasional press releases from the Department of Transportation citing pairs of cities they’re looking at for possible future rail service, not much more than lip service was paid.

“If we had more point-to-point urban centers like Europe has it would make more sense to spend a major amount of money to build an adequate system” you say? Look at a map, Balboa. For every Dresden-Berlin and Paris-Brussels route the Euros have the United States has a Los Angeles-Las Vegas and Chicago-Detroit pair that would be ideal for high-speed rail service. That’s not to say you can’t take a train now from Detroit-Chicago; it’s just that you may miss your newborn’s high school graduation if you do so. The usual explanation the government gives is there’s not enough money available to do an adequate job of funding a self-sustaining rail service. Amtrak is proof of that.  Oh, really, Senator Full O. Guano?

Let’s look at some of the Congressional pork that has been shoveled throughout the country that benefits few, if any people. There are the more publicized ones like the infamous “Bridge to Nowhere” in Alaska or the “Capitol Hill Tourist Office.” I’m even one of the first to admit there are a lot of questionable dollars spent on incredibly-expensive projects for my beloved military. But for every well-known boondoggle there are hundreds, if not thousands that fly beneath the radar. Things like the breeding habits of the rhesus monkey when in close proximity to a rock and roll band; or a Woodstock Museum; or a six-year study seeking the financial reality of rerouting the Colorado River because a rogue family of titmice was sighted by the town drunk in Durango. As facetious as these are, there’s equally-ridiculous examples of others that are true. Put all the money together and there would be more than enough money to fund a workable plan to give the United States a rail system that rivals those of Europe and Japan. I don’t know about you but I’d trade funding a museum in Hollywood to honor the gerbil for a high-speed rail train between Detroit and Indianapolis any day.

Think of this as a wake-up call to those in Washington to pull their heads from the safety of their own colons and do something that will benefit the majority of people instead of old Betty that you’ve been trying to pork since you first entered the Congress six terms ago. The money is there…just ask the governments of countries that hate us throughout the world. There are about 300 million people in this country, which equates to an estimate of about 550 million middle fingers. Let’s use part of them to send messages to those nations that despise us and earmark the money we would have pissed away on them to put into a “lock box” (a term about as realistic as an “honest politician”) to use solely for the construction and maintenance of a high-speed, point-to-point rail system that will bring urban centers together.

Much like the golden spike at Premonitory Point, Utah, when the east and west portions of the country were united. There are few things more satisfying than sitting in a comfortable seat for several hours, sipping some hot, fresh coffee and reading a newspaper (or girlie magazine if that’s your desire), and occasionally seeing huge traffic jams outside caused by severe weather, accidents or the dreaded orange construction barrels. As the old saying goes, “There’s plenty of room on our plates for endangered species…right between the mashed potatoes and the corn fritters.

Al’s review of the Gerbil Hall of Fame could appear next Monday, when his column runs here next week at the same Bat Time, same Bat Channel.

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President Obama, who is exempt from having to pay for visas due to his current job, signed into law the Travel Promotion Act at the end of last week.

It all seemed innocent enough — charge people visiting America a few bucks to enter. Six Flags charges more.

But there are some insidious parts to this little plan designed to bring more tourists loaded down with Euros and Yen to the U.S. — any American traveling abroad could have to start collecting visas. You’ll have to pay for it.

AmericaBlog.com reacted much the same way we did — calling the act a “terrible idea” renaming it “the don’t travel to America act.”

Of course, much of the U.S. travel industry has strongly supported the travel promotion act, seeing it as a billion dollar marketing budget. Let the infighting begin. But the short-sighted idea seems to fall more on the ironic side of planning.

Charge people visiting America $10 so Americans can try to convince foreigners to come here so we can charge them $10. It’s bad enough that anyone wanting to come to America already have to fill out a questionnaire asking them if they’re a Nazi, terrorist or know anyone who might have a bomb laden pair of underwear.

The travel promotion act is a lame law, designed to discourage travelers from even considering a visit to the U.S.

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Tilly, dressed in a double-breasted black suit and pressed white dress shirt, stood before a group of reporters and various media outlets, and read from a prepared statement . His lawyer stood by his side.

“I’ve been wrongfully accused,” Tilly said, tears streaming down his face. “I’m really a nice guy, once you get to know me. I’m just really, really big. Now I know what that guy Kevin Smith must have felt like, getting kicked off that plane. It’s just wrong.”

Tilly’s lawyer claims that the recent inundation of slanderous media reports has negatively affected his client’s marketability as both a mammal and an entertainer. “Just because my client has the word ‘killer’ in his name does not make him a murderer,” he said. “It’s really a double-whammy. Not only is my client losing tons of revenue now, but where can my client go to work after this, now that everyone thinks he’s a quote-unquote killer? The circus? It’s simply unjust.”

Tilly plans to sue the state of Florida and his employer, SeaWorld, for unfair practices, slander, and size-discrimination. When asked to explain further, Mr. Glassberg replied, “My client is innocent until proven guilty. The truth will come out at trial.”

A police search of Tilly’s locker at the SeaWorld facility resulted in the discovery of blueprint designs for the construction of a raft, as well as several yards of tarp, a life vest and oar, and a detailed map of Cuba. Also found in Tilly’s locker was a piece of scrap paper with Roman Polanski’s name and cell phone number written on it. Speculation remains unclear as to any possible ties Tilly might have with the fugitive movie director.

Tilly is alleged to have killed his trainer at SeaWorld in Orlando last Wednesday during an after-hours performance.

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The cast of “Fly Girls”(from left to right): Tasha, Louise, Mandy, Nikole and Farrah

Friday night, Virgin America offered a 35,000-foot preview to the new reality TV show featuring five flight attendants and their crazy CW life.

The airline showed the first episode aboard a flight from Los Angeles to Vegas with the cast serving up the A-list guests. (Sadly, HTG remains on the Kathy Griffin D-List and didn’t get a chance to preview the show.)

But other much more important writers and members of the media did — and apparently got to attend a red carpet party at Lagasse’s Stadium at The Palazzo in Las Vegas.

The California-based airline even matched up a slaes promotion to celebrate the series called the PrimeTime Fare Sale — meaning you don’t even have to watch “The Hills” of the skies to take advantage of the program.

“The idea behind Virgin America is to reinvent the experience of flying with beautifully designed mood-lit cabins, incredible guest service and a hip, sophisticated vibe that today’s travelers are looking for,” said Porter Gale, Vice President of Marketing at Virgin America, in a way only a marketing VP could say.  “We’re thrilled to work with The CW to show how our in-flight teammates are re-writing the script and bringing the style and fun back to flying.”

In-flight teammates (r to l) Farrah, Nikole, Tasha, Louise and Mandy, prior to the in-flight premiere of "Fly Girls."

Having hot flight attendants helps too.

According to the news release, party goers included 100 Virgin America staff sipped on Belvedere Vodka and Ambhar Tequila while listening to media tell them “you looked great” and “that was so cute when you thought so-and-so was mad at you and really, her mother had just died.”

“This show is about real women who happen to have landed on a very different career path.  It chronicles the places they go, the guests they meet and their lives together,” said Kristen Vadas, Senior Vice President, Alternative Programming, The CW, in a press release. “We’re thrilled to be working with Virgin America to give our viewers a unique peek into their whirlwind life at 35,000 feet.”

Virgin America flight teammates and cast members of 'Fly Girls', Farrah (left) and Louise serve cocktails to passengers after the in-flight premiere of "Fly Girls."

The show is produced by Bridezilla and The Exterminators mastermind Jeff Collins, as well as LarryBond and Porter Gale, the geniuses behind “The Hills” and “The City.”

The show debuts on CW at 9:30 p.m. March 24. Hopefully, it doesn’t end up on “The Soup” too soon.

Naturally, the show wouldn’t be complete without a promotional tie in: So try to Land the Look, which can land you some free clothes from the spring collection from Banana Republic. Passengers can also win Banana Republic aviator sunglasses as well as a few other rewards. Check out the details here.

All photos provided by Virgin America — as we told you, we weren’t on the flight.

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At one time, believe it or not, parking at airports was free. A traveler could leave his or her car at a short walk to the terminal, be gone for however long a business trip or vacation would take and then return home and retrieve said vehicle. As traveling increased and it became necessary to build more parking spaces, most airports resorted to parking decks and initially charged a nominal (and affordable) fee to offset some of the costs the municipality had for construction of the structure. Makes sense, doesn’t it?.

But then the financial people took over and upon sniffing out a potential cash cow embedded in a captive audience, cried out, “What ho!!!!” and started charging much higher rates. What difference would it make, they figured, because most of the close-in parking was taken up by business people whose trip expenses are subsidized by their employers. The genie-asses at the parking authorities had tears in their eyes because of the cleverness of their plans. Then, no doubt at a Chinese Buffet written off by the local Airport Authority, somebody who was high on egg rolls came up with the idea of setting an area aside for “short-term” parking for those who were saying good-bye to family and friends or just didn’t have the ability to go through the hassle of remote parking and taking a shuttle to the terminal.

When this concept and its resultant horrendous charge-per-hour were proposed the phone lines to Masters & Johnson’s hot line probably short-circuited because of shear volume. Setting higher rates became the airport parking equivalent of lap dances and downloading porn. It was awesome! The rising and usury costs of terminal parking decks created the new industry of remote parking. These lots were rather large and situated within a mile or three of the terminal. Passengers would park their cars and board a shuttle that went directly to the terminal. It was efficient and more importantly…affordable. Unfortunately, the success of such ventures caught the attention of the airport authorities and at their semi-weekly revenue-enhancing lunch – usually held at an appropriately-owned underworld restaurant – the dollar hogs decided to feed from a bigger trough.
They decided to jack up fees for the right of the shuttles to park at the terminal and drop off and pick up people. (Just for laughs they also laid a huge surcharge on limousine companies as well, but that’s fodder for a future rant.) Suppose the remote parking owners are going to eat the charges? If you do then you’d damn well better surrender yourself to Dr. Phil.

Eventually remote parking charges started to reach parity with their “urban” neighbors. As the economy tightened traveling numbers declined exponentially. Furthermore, people began discovering creative ways to hold down transportation costs – particularly parking. They would often car-pool, catch a ride to the airport or even leave their cars at their offices and board a company shuttle (no doubt driven by a recently-furloughed vice president) to the terminal.

All of a sudden the “brain trust” of the airport authorities began to notice sharp declines in revenue. This no doubt cast a pall over the generally jovial lunches until one of the new wunderkinds with an MBA from Parson’s College in Iowa blurted out, “Let’s raise parking rates. If we jack them up even $2.00 per day we would make up the lost revenue within a year.” The collective tears of joy from around the table were enough to float the U.S.S. Nimitz. Drinks and toasts all around for the new guy. It should have become evident to anyone without a degree in anything that MBA is an acronym for “Must Be an Asshole.” As soon as the committee staggered back to their offices they made plans to put the new rates in place…starting the next day! After all, they’re charged with the heavy responsibility of looking out for the public trust, aren’t they?

Came the next quarter and Holy Jumping Jesus…revenue was down further…even with the new price increase. Figuring it must be computer error the Authority sold all their old computers – some of them were damn near a year old – to Sam Riddle’s Surplus Supply Syndicate and bought a batch of new state-of-the-art (for that week) computers for only 11 times more than the older ones were valued at. At the group’s next quarterly meeting, revenue was down even further!!!! So a recent MBA hire from the University of Phoenix suggested the rates be raised even further. The idea was so brilliant that the senior level of management fired the Parson’s College grad whom had made the same decision six months earlier but must have not thought all the elements through.

See where I’m going with this, People? History repeats itself several times annually. After a few years of this you have the public service version of the in-breeding of the royal family – Payroller Insanity. There is no cure for this all-too-common phenomenon. It seems to manifest itself inside government buildings but the oversight committees in charge of investigative findings can’t seem to find a clue.

The bottom line of this is that these municipal gatherings have the mentality of “we lose money on everything single thing we do…but we’re going to make it up on volume.” This mental lapse is easily seen in state governments as well; when revenue is down because of industries moving out because of the high cost of doing business in that state… the state raises taxes to make up the differences that are being lost (can anybody say “Michigan?”). My suggestion is this: charge an affordable rate for near-terminal parking. When the spaces invariably fill up on Monday mornings your revenue is made for the week…and then some. Same goes for you too, Mr. Remote Parking Guy. After the Near-termers make their money they should not wet their beak with your revenue. Rather, they should welcome the assistance.

When more passengers enter the terminal they are subjected to paying much-higher rates for the various food services found throughout the facility. It’s a win-win for everybody. The passengers are not going to bitch much about paying $4.00 for a Starbucks Coffee but they will about renting a little patch of ground for $20 per day just to store their vehicle. Multiplied on an annual basis that would be a minimum of $7,300 per year…and that’s with no in-and-out privileges. You don’t need to be a descendant of Euclid the great mathematician to run the numbers. Even a caveman could figure that out.

The ultimate revenue enhancer is even simpler than that mentioned above. Get rid of the entire airport parking board and use their astronomical salaries and benefits to offset the costs of parking.  Now THAT’S a win-win solution.

Al once parked in Toledo for a flight out of Detroit just to save $2. His column appears here every Monday.

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8:35 a.m.-Land at Savannah/HHI airport; hop in armored car. Ask to drive (denied). Head for first stop on tour.

9 a.m.- Visit Savannah Technical College; give prepared speech, advising students to switch majors frequently to stay in school as long as possible (due to lack of jobs, but don’t hone on this). Look upbeat. Repeat the words “progress” and “growth” several times. Sign autographs. Do kegger headstand with students. NO PHOTOS.

9:45 a.m.- Stop somewhere downtown for free coffee, preferably not Starbucks. Ask about vitality of business; get free refills and muffins for the road. Hide extras in pocket. Smile.

10:01 a.m.- Address government workers at City Hall (expecting most of them to look like Colonel Sanders) with politically-neutral speech, highlighting key words such as “hope”, “change” and “the”. (Avoid hot-topic issues like health care and recent whale accident.) Brief Q & A,immediately followed by impromptu laser-light “Poetry Slam” contest. Award winner with free Prius; hope brakes work. Moon-walk off stage while waving to crowd as they chant repeated chorus of “Yes we can! Yes we can!” Use restroom.

10:54 a.m.- Bump into Joe Wilson upon exiting City Hall. Kick him square in the nuts. Laugh. (Hope photographer catches shot for CNN, TMZ, and Fox News).

11:00 a.m.- Take scenic carriage ride through Savannah’s historic squares. Ignore pungent smells of jasmine-scented urine. Stop at birthplace of Juliette Gordon Low for free boxes of Girl Scout cookies (avoid Lemon Crème). Chat with tour guide. Wave to crowds.

12:15 p.m. -Visit Paula Deen at her restaurant, The Lady and Sons. Enjoy all-you-can-eat lunch buffet. Unbutton pants. Dinner special, “Barack of lamb” with mint sauce, posthumously to be named in my honor. Get autographed cookbook for Michelle.

2:25 p.m.- Meet with local NRA members at Waffle House; receive official sawed-off Red Ryder B.B. gun with action holster, adorned with glow-in-the-dark presidential seal. Thank them. Leave quickly.

2:45 p.m. –Get souvenirs for girls—matching “I heart Savannah” Snuggies—and organic Slap-Chop for wife’s vegetable garden. Ship bulk box of pralines to White House.

3:15 p.m. -Make surprise visit to Gulfstream headquarters. Meet CEO; ask about business, listen intently. Ask for private tour of the new G650. Request (nicely) for quick delivery of personalized, pimped-out G650. Invite CEO and family to future White House dinner(s).

4:06 p.m.- Text smiley face to Rahm Emanuel. Lol.

4:07 p.m.- Sext salacious message to wife.

4:08 p.m. -Text smiley face to wife.

4:09 p.m.- Call wife to gauge reaction. Apologize if necessary.

5:45 p.m.-Dinner at Five Guys (bonus!) on Bay Street; order two burgers, loaded, also hot dog and fries, large drink (free refills). Take obligatory picture with store manager. Shake hands, smile.

7:15 p.m. -Board Air Force One for flight home. Enjoy cocktails while playing usual game of Risk against AFO staffers. Win (again); obtain complete global domination. Collect money. Yawn.

7:32 p.m. -Make quick fly-by over Tiger Woods’ rehab; air-drop care package stocked with Gatorade, incense sticks and copy of “Monogamy for Dummies” (includes crayons, safety scissors and edible body paint). Watch back episodes of “Celebrity Rehab” and “Jersey Shore”. Take quick nap.

8:20 p.m. -Land in D.C.

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Big news stories started running immediately after the 8.8 earthquake Chile with massive amounts of destruction. But instead of focusing on the wreckage in Santiago the news groups decided to create an image of a huge tidal wave hitting the rest of the world.

Imagine a wall of water three miles high on a mad rush for 7,000 miles — rinsing out people from all of the islands like a long shower. Beaches were evacuated, people fled to the hills, women and children first, no doubt.

Waves were about six inches higher in Hawaii.

Tsunamis have taken on a whole new meaning since the tragic wave killed more than 200,000 people in Thailand in 2004.

Sadly, all of the media induced panic this time will only hurt efforts next time there is actually something to worry about.

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It’s definitely a “Bucket List” event, especially the fiesta along cobblestone River Street, replete with enough beer, baubles and brogue to make you think Lucky Charms is actually fine dining. It’s the one day when River Street turns into Bourbon Street, so wear comfortable shoes, bring lots of cash, bring ID to purchase booze,  and leave the kids at home—or along the parade route.

The pre-parade festivities begin on Friday, March 12^th at noon when theinfamous fountain at Forsyth Park is turned green in honor of all the beer that will be spilled on Saint Patrick’s Day.  The event is free and open to the public.

Before you commit all the sins you have planned for Saint Patrick’s Day, make sure to assuage your guilt at 8  a.m. morning mass at the Cathedral of St. John the Baptist. Then, let the sinning begin: line up along the route on Abercorn Street near Forsyth Park to catch the start of the family-friendly parade at 10:15 a.m. featuring floats, bands and Irish-looking officials wielding batons and colorful sashes. Don’t forget to kiss any uniformed soldier that marches by in the parade, a long-standing and proud Savannahian tradition.

The parade winds its way down Abercorn Street past Lafayette Square, turns on Broughton Street, continues down East Broad Street  onto Bay Street, then makes its final (and arguably most scenic) route down Bull Street past Chippewa Square. Due to all the festivities, getting in or out of Savannah by car on Saint Patrick’s Day is road rage waiting to happen; ifdriving, your best bet is to park across the river near Hutchinson Island at the Westin Savannah Harbor Resort and take the ferry over to River Street. And for the luck of the Irish, if drinking, don’t drive (or swim). For a listing of accommodations in the downtown area, visit www.savannahspecialoffers.com.

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So now the State Department — our second favorite department next to only Homeland Security — has proposed to raise passport fees 35 percent to $135 for adults. (Passport renewals will jump to $110 — instead of the $75. Anyone under 18 will have to pay $105, up from $85.) The biggest jump in the fees is a doubling of the “Passport Book Security Surcharge” from $20 to $40.

If you want to add some pages to your passport, that will now cost you $82 — and the traditional $5 fee will double to $10 to cost additional processing costs.

According to the proposal to raise fees — which includes a host of other fee increases for services provided by the State Department — those little passport cards will also get more expensive — costing $60, up from $45.

So if you want to save a few dollars, go ahead and send out for your passport now — the changes won’t take affect until March 7. You can file online here.

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