Return to Sender: The Art of Reintroduction to Home Society

More important than your actual travels is how you’ll be handling yourself upon return, since this is when you take on an air of false superiority by telling everyone about your globetrotting.

Subtlety is, of course, key.

Your biggest burden with returning home is deciding what to bring back. Whatever objects you bring back will serve as important conversation starters for the coming days, weeks, months and years that you’ll spend ruminating about your travels to others.

When it comes to souvenirs, only one thing should actually be purchased at a souvenir shop to bring home: the kitchen magnet; it’s the only worldwide standard souvenir that successfully crosses the ironically cool threshold without the inherent tackiness of a snow globe or gold-plated thimble.

Anything else you bring back – be it art, craft, wine, etc. – should be purchased in the same place where the natives would do their own shopping. Don’t overlook everyday – perhaps even free – objects like posters and menus that might make for interesting wall hangings at home or in the office.

One of the best pieces of memorabilia picked up is a fabric banner from Lahore, Pakistan, advertising a state-sponsored carcass pickup service for families participating in the Ramadan tradition of slaughtering an animal. Its bold red colors and intricate Urdu script frequently illicit questions about its origins, and subsequent “wows” when the meaning is explained. And for me, I have a memory of a friend’s father jumping on top of a car to cut it down from the side of a building while we slowly snaked through a particularly nasty city center traffic jam.

Other successful jealousy-inducing purchases have been coffee table art books and inexpensive prints from museums abroad, clothing that looks just unusual enough to inspire inquisitiveness and food and drink items (tea, wine, yerba mate, etc.) that are easy to share with a lot of guests.

Just make sure to stay clear of obviously garish take-home keepsakes. You’re operating on a thin line that’s not easy walk; just make sure to treat the whole experience with only slight deference. You never want to seem too excited, even if it’s hard to do.

Of course, talking about your trip in a manner than inspires jealousy but not fevered cries of “DOUCHEBAG!” is difficult, as well.

Nobody wants to be that guy, the one that comes back to the office from a trip to Japan and starts adding “-san” to the end of everyone’s name and somehow finds ways to spin absolutely any conversation back to his recent travels. Remember that these were the people you spent so long artfully avoiding while you were traveling. Don’t let things rush to your head and suddenly become one.

What you want is absolute cool. No wearing garish tourist t-shirts to work or immediately launching into stories about where you were. You’ve got to make it look like it was, simply put, ain’t no thing.

But you also don’t want to let this rare opportunity for hipstery superiority to fall by the wayside. Here, a few hypothetical post-return situations, and suggestions on how best to deal:

You’re at your first day back on the job after a long weekend in some European city – say London – and eager to make everyone jealous but don’t want to look like an asshole.

You’re always best to get in very early your first day back. Not because you need to kiss ass. You’ve just got to kick ass at making your trip everyone’s obsession without making it obvious that you’re playing a ploy for attention.

Remember, you want subtlety. Luckily, there are easy hints you can drop.

Perhaps you usually drink coffee or tea in the morning. And since you just got back from a quick weekend in London, you’re the proud owner of a fat tin of the world’s priciest tea bags, straight from the Harrod’s Knightsbridge Food Halls. And isn’t it looking lovely sitting on your desk, as you loudly enjoy every last drop in your mug?

It’ll be even sweeter when you’ve made enough of a stir about how delicious your tea is – just a few “mmms” and “wow, this is great”-type comments should do the trick – to spur questions about what you’re drinking. A few conversational maneuvers later, you’re into full launch mode.

But remember: you don’t want to sound too excited. Key phases should be along the lines of “quick weekend” or “popped over to … for a few days” or even “just jetted into … to get away for a bit.”

Keep description lively enough to spur further questioning yet reserved enough to prevent any thoughts of potential gloating. Supplement descriptions with pictures from your iPhone if you feel you can get away with it.

You’re just back from a months-long journey around South America, and you’re having friends over for dinner. It’s go-time.

Make sure you’ve done due diligence by adding touches from wherever you went around the home. One of the absolute best ways to establish vacational superiority is to keep a hearty stash of foreign coinage on public display, preferably some place where guests are likely to be passing by or spending time.

If you have an entry foyer with a table, that’s great spot to splay out some change that’ll be unfamiliar for the home folk. If you’re worried about them not noticing, make sure to lay some out on coffee and end tables as well.

Packing your home with foreign memorabilia – in this instance, think tango-inspired art or hand-woven alpaca fiber rugs – is a must. These types of things are dirt cheap when purchased in their home territory and great for sparking conversation about your trip (which makes them quite value-added).

And since you’ve got them captive, you might as well go in for the kill. Serve an Argentinian wine with a Chilean sea bass, while listening to a bossa nova recording. Just remember to play it cool – replay your experience only when asked, and when doing so, play it with the same disinterest you would relay something mundane like brushing one’s teeth or washing one’s hands.

You’re eating lunch with some buddies from work right after a return from Japan. Those bastards haven’t asked you a damn thing about your trip, and you’re thinking they may have forgotten to ask you about something you did that they didn’t.

Good thing you’re still packin’ yen in your wallet.

What a perfect time to pull the ultimate post-vacation douchebag move that’s guaranteed to pull in a question or two. The only catch is not looking like a douche in the process.

When it’s time to pay, rifle through your wallet (make sure you’ve removed any home currency ahead of time) and complain about where all your cash has gone. Perhaps check a pocket. If you’re feeling chancy, you might even try pawing a yen note out of your wallet in frustration, but realize you’re operating in sensitive territory. You’re bound to catch at least one eye in the process, and hopefully evoking a question or two.

Eventually, head for the credit card route. If you’re in a situation where nobody’s said anything and genuinely not noticed, you can take a chance at saying something like “Looks like I’ve only got yen,” but realize that you’re really pushing your luck at that point.

While it’s a difficult dance to maneuver, the return to sender is key, and for many hipsters, the reason to go in the first place. Remember how jealous you feel when you hear cool travel stories from others.

The key is to illicit those feelings without coming off like a douche. It’s not easy, but with a touch of finesse and well-placed foreign objects in the home and office, a feeling of smug superiority just may well be yours hours after landing back at home.